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"WHOSE ARE 



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THREE BO LD ACTS 



-BY- 



E/Hr^^SOTHERN 




Eotered according to Act of Congress, in tlie year 1884, by Edward H. 

SOTHERN, in tbe Office of the Librarian of Congress, 

at Washing-ton, D. C. 



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CHARACTERS. 



Theophilus Pocklington, Proprietor of the " Penny- 
Dreadful." 

Peter Maudlin, - - His uncle and partner. 

Melchisedec Flighty, - - A distant relation. 

Mrs. Griffin, .-....- 

Amelia, - - - - - - Her daughter. 

Gertie, ..-----. 

Seraphina, - - - Servant to Pocklington. 



SCENES. 
Acts I and HI. — Pocklington's House at Kensington. 
Act n. — Pocklington's Ofifice in the City. 



Time. — To-Day. 



ACT I. 

Scene. A Jiicely furnished room on the ground floor in 
Pocklington's house at Kensington. French window 
at back, opening on laivn. The 7uindow is slightly open, 
although it is night. Lamps lit. Tea table set L. A 
table R opposite r i e, toith a large table cover reaching 
the ground on all sides. Writing desk l of French win- 
dow. Door in the r corner of the room opens on the 
stairway. Door l corner leads to the other apartments. 

Mrs. Griffin is discovered, pacing the room impatiently. 
Amelia, looking anxiously out at the window. 

Mrs. Grif. So, this is what Mr.Theophilus Pocklington 
calls coming home to tea, is it? Half-past eleven, and 
Mr. Theophilus Pocklington has not returned home at all, 
and that on the birthday of his afifianced bride. Now, 
my dear Amelia, you are, perhaps, ccnvinced that your 
mother was right when she insisted on the somewhat un- 
usual course of living in your future husband's house for 
six months prior to your marriage. I suspected the hypo- 
crite from the first. He has not deceived one who has 
placed six husbands beneath marble tombstones. I knew 
that, sooner or later, we should unmask the villain and 
view him in all his horrible deformity. 

Amel. Mamma, I'm sure Theophilus is not deformed. 

Mrs. Grif. Externally he is beautiful — very beautiful; 
but his heart, Amelia — his heart is not in the right place. 

Amel. No, mamma; I have often heard him say that 
whenever he sees you his heart is in his mouth. 

Mrs. Grif. Pooh! 



Amel. Mamma, you are too hard on Theophilus. I'm 
sure until today his conduct has been beyond reproach. 
I know he will be able to exp'ain this delay. 

Mrs. Grif. Oh, no doubt he will invent some plausi- 
ble falseh.ood to cover his iniquity; but we fortunately 
have at our command the services of his uncle, Mr. 
Maudlin, who has devoted his whole life to reading the 
police reports in the daily papers, and is therefore famil- 
iar with the ways of the criminal. He will unravel this 
attair. His eagle eye will probe Mr. Pocklington's soul 
and drag the truth from his unwilling breast. 

j5'///£v Maudlin l u y., afi^absti acted old gentleman. He 
carries several newspapers, conspicuous amongst which is 
the Illustrated Police Ne7vs. He comes dotvn c, talking 
to himself . 

Maud. There's plenty of crime in the papers to-day. 
[Reading.) "Two men murderously mangled. Fright- 
ful suicide. Highway robbery." Ah! that reminds me. 
For some weeks past some one has been using my pen- 
holders and chewing the ends of them — a practice I ab- 
hor; but now my favorite penholder has actually been 
stolen! But I'll dog the thief down yet. 

Mrs. Grif. {aside). What is that old man talking to 
himself about? He's deep in some mystery, I'll be bound. 
He has a grand skull. (Aloud.) Mr. Maudlin, speaking 
of Mi. Pocklington not returning to tea, I think I am 
correct in saying that your eagle eye will pierce his soul 
and drag the truth from his unwilling breast. 

Maud. Mrs. Griffin, my services are at your com- 
mand. The matter should really be inquired into. 
{Aside) Poor Pocklington! 

Mrs. Grif. One cannot be too particular in selecting 
a husband. Only this morning I was reading in the pa- 
per the deplorable end of a hasty marriage. The hus- 



band, who was devotion itself before the wedding day, 
contracted a habit toward the waning of the honeymoon 
of kicking his wife on the head every morning at break- 
fast. 

Amel. {so rroiv fully). Poor creature! It must have 
told upon her health. 

Mrs. Grif. She pined away. She died by inches. 

Maud. If he kicked her, she died by feet. 

Mrs. Grif. True. {Aside.) A remarkably astute old 
man. 

Maud. I must admit that his conduct in not return- 
ing home — and that on Amelia's birthday, when he knew 
there was jam and cake for tea — is extraordinary, to say 
the least. 

Mrs. Grif. Extraordinary! {Slapping him on the 
back.) It is infamous, sir — infamous f When I came to 
live beneath this unhallowed roof, six months ago, I said 
to Mr. Pocklington: "You have proposed for my daugh- 
ter's hand. As regards your fortune and position as the 
proprietor and editor of the ' Penny Dreadful,' you are 
worthy of her; but no man weds my child until I am as- 
sured of his moral worth. I will, myself, observe your 
conduct for the space of six months. Your mode of life 
— your associates — the hours you keep — shall stand the 
test of my maternal eye. If you pass through the ordeal 
unscathed, my child is yours; one false step, and she is 
lost to you forever." He consented. VVe came to live 
here. And I am forced to admit that, for six months, 
all his affairs have stood my closest scrutiny. He has 
allowed me to peruse his letters; I have been able to 
take no exception to his friends; and. — a point I have in- 
sisted upon as the great test of marital fidelity — he has 
invariably returned to tea. Furthermore, he has never 
spoken one word of love to Amelia — a proceeding which 
I strictly forbade until he has proved himself worthy to 



do so. I had begun to believe myself deceived in my 
presentiments until, this fatal day, he proves his true 
metal at the eleventh hour. 

Maud. Excuse me, it's half- past eleven. 

Mrs. Grtf. {serenely). Mr. Maudlin, are you intoxi- 
cated? 

Maud, [passionately). If 1 am, it is with lo — . [Aside.) 
By Jove! I almost did it. 

'M.K's. G'RiY. [asioii?ided). Mr. Maudlin, you have lost 
your head. 

Maud, [feelins:; his head anxiously). Have I? 

Mrs. Grif. For some weeks i)ast Mr. Pocklington has 
exhibited symptoms of great mental disturbance. He 
has something on his mind which is causing him great 
uneasiness. 

Amel. Perhaps, mamma, he has been eating pie again. 

Mrs. Grif. Amelia! Pie would not rest on his mind. 
Mr. Maudlin, is insanity prevalent in your family? Can 
Mr. Pocklington be going mad? 

Maud. Well, his great-grandfather was a hatter, and 
I believe a distant relation of his was found distracted 
in a bathing machine at Margate. 

Mrs. Grif. His conduct has been most strange of 
late, and this evening he has not only failed to return to 
tea, but he has stayed out until nearly midnight. 

Amel. Mr. Maudlin, do you really think there is any- 
thing wrong in Theophilus not returning to tea? 

Maud. I believe such a proceeding on the part of a 
husband has been considered from time immemorial a 
serious offense. I don't quite know what the sentence 
should be — six months, perhaps, with hard labor. 

Mrs. Grif. Amelia, how can you ask such a question? 
Come with me, I shall retire to my room and calm my- 
self by reading my Bunyan. I find my Bunyan's very 
soothing. 



Maud. Your bunions? I generally find mine very 
irritating. 

Mrs. Grip. Mr. Maudlin, are you drivelling? 

Maud, {passionafely). If I am, it is with lo — . [Aside.) 
By Jove! I almost did it again. 

Mrs. Grif. If I were to meet the villain in my pres- 
ent state of mind I might really do him some bodily 
injury. Come! 

[Exeti?it Mrs. Griffin and Amelia l u e. 

Maud. Poor girl! Poor Pocklington! They'd be 
happy enough if Mrs. Grififin would only let them alone. 
Pocklington has caught a Tartar there — but what di Tar- 
tar! She's a magnificent creature! She'd make a splen- 
did detective! I sometimes feel half inclined to — but 
no! no! I'm a little afraid of her. There'll be a fearful 
explosion when poor Pocklington returns. I'll keep out 
of the way, for I daren't stand up for him. And if I 
learn any of his goings on it will be my duty to betray 
him. 

Enter Seraphina rue. 

Seraphina, if Mr. Pocklington asks for me when becomes 
home, say — say I'm very ill. I particularly wish to 
avoid him. 

Sera. Yes, sir. 

Maud. I'll go and have a quiet hour with the papers. 
{Reading as he goes off r i e.) " Murder of an entire 
family. Eighteen children frightfully mutilated." This 
IS delightful. \_Exit Maudlin r i e. 

Sera. What a bloodthirsty old man that is! He's 
always gloating over murders and suicides and^now to 
put back that penholder. {She creeps cautiously to desk 
L c, 7vhen enter Pocklington hurriedly rue. He is 
out of breath, pale and anxious, dusty and wild in his attire. 
He closes th? door R u e aj- he enters, and listens anxiously.) 



Sera. Lor', Mr. Pocklington! How you startle one! 
{^Hides penholder which she was about to place in desk, and 
stands looking at him in amazement^ with her mouth open.) 

Pock, {rieriwusly^i. Don't stand there with your mouth 
open, Seraphina. {Looks away anxiously. Aside?) I 
can't look her in the face — can't look my own servant in 
the face. {Aloud) Seraphina, has any remark been 
made about my being late for tea? 

Sera. Yes, sir; Mrs. Grififin wondered where you 
were. He! he! {Giggles.) 

Pock, {uneasily). Oh, indeed! Wondered where I 
were. {Angrily) What are you giggling at? Leave the 
room! Stay! {Aside) I'll get Maudlin to intercede 
for me. {Aloud) Where's Mr. Maudlin? Tell him I 
wish to see him. 

Sera. I — I — don't think you can see him, sir. He 
has been very ill. 

Pock, {alarmed). Very ill? 

Sera. Yes, sir; he — that is — I — {confused). 

Pock, {wildly). Ha! You have something terrible to 
communicate. What has happened? {Aside.) Very ill! 
I see it all. The brave old man tried to account for my 
absence — was perhaps on his knees before her, his ven- 
erable head bent in supplication, when she dashe.d out 
his brains with the tea-pot. {Aloud) Speak! I,et me 
know the worst. 

Sera, {aside). Dear me! what shall I say? {Aloud.) 
Well, sir, I went into the garden just now, and I found 
Mr. Maudlin dead to all around him. 

Pock, {in horror). Dead! 
^ Sera. Buried in a newspaper. 

^ Pock. Buried in a newspaper! {Aside) They might 

\m have treated him to a coffin. What fate can be in store 

for me if they bury poor old Maudlin in a newspaper? If 
I had only some one to confide in! This secrecy is turn- 



ing my brain. I can keep it to myself no longer. Sera- 
phina {seizing her by the wrist), swear that you will never 
betray me. 

Sera, {amazed). I swear! 

Pock. By Jingo! 

Sera. By Jingo! 

Pock. Tliat is sufficient. {Aside.) She would never 
dare to break an oalli so binding. But am I followed? 
{He sitddeiily rushes to door R u E and listens.) Not a 
sound. I wonder if I have escaped her. {Coming down. 
Speaking very earnestly to Seraphina, 7i.'ho, ho^vever, 
stands quite still, with her mouth open) Seraphina, I am a 
haunted man. For weeks past a weird and mysterious 
female has called at my ofifice in the dusk of evening, 
with a request that I will listen to a story. Last night 
she forced h^r way into my presence. I fled. She fol- 
lowed me. 1 ran through miles of streets in my en- 
deavors to etude her, but had scarcely sunk exhausted 
on a doorstep, when her warm breath whispered in my 
ear the oi:)ening lines of her blood curdling tale. With 
a yell of horror I fiew from her once more, and, jumping 
into a jjassing bath-chair, I bade the owner fly for his 
life. 

Sera. You were driven to desperation. 

Pock. No, I wasn't; I was driven to Kensington. 
For some time I heard her footsteps in pursuit. At 
length they died away, and when I reached my door I 
was alone. But the fact of being seen talking to a fe- 
male on a doorstep my Amelia's mother would deem 
sufficient reason to break off our union. If I were to 
lose her after this six months of self-denial, just when 
the prize is within my grasp, it would be hard indeed. 
And yet to face my prospective mother-in-law with a lie 
— I dare not. 



12 



Enter Gertie r u e. She is a ivild-looking^ yellow haired 

girl. 

Gert. {at R u E.) Ah! here you are! 

Pock, {in horror?} Ha! {Seizes Seraphina and car- 
ries her bodily off R i E. As he gets to door he meets Maud- 
lin, seizes him and puts him under tabic R, wliicJi has a 
large table cloth over it reaching to the ground and com- 
pletely comealing Maudlin.) 

Pock, {standing panting against table ^. Aside?) Run 
to earth. What am I to do? They told me Maudlin was 
dead and buried, in a newspaper, and here he is alive 
{Bus.) and kicking. Shall I trust him? No! He would 
betray me. {To Gertie.) How did you get in? 

Gert. You left the front door open. 

Pock. Madam, I am at a loss to understand the mean- 
ing of this persecution. What do you want with me? 

Gert. {very earnestly) I want you to listen to the 
echoes of a breaking heart. (Maudlin puts his head out 
from under table R. Pock, throws a book at him. He 
disappears) 

Pock. I should be charmed at any other time, but 
just now it would be most inconvenient. 

Gert. The outpourings of a mind, that suffering, 
grief, a terrible remorse, that crime has made to tremble 
in the balance. 

Pock, {aside.) I thought so. She's mad. Ah! {He 
picks up a blue garter from the floor. Aside.) A garter! 
{Offers it to Gertie.) Beg pardon, you've dropped some- 
thing. 

Gert. Ah! {Btis) 

Pock. Ho/ii soil qui mal y pense. 

Gert. Dear me, how embarrassing! Keep it, keep 
it! 

Pock. I don't want it! 

Gert. {severely.) Keep it! (Pock, collapses.) After 



13 

mature thouglit, I have determined that the pure pages 
of the " Penny Dreadful " alone shall give my story to the 
world. 

Pock. I feel very much obliged to you I'm sure, but 
I never attend to business here. I must ask you to call 
at my office to-morrcnv. [Bus. with Maudlin as l)efore.) 
Gert. I have called at your office to-morrow, and to- 
morrow, and to-morrow, till I am positively ///. For 
twelve months past I have sought you, morning, noon 
and night, but your minions have prevented me from 
reaching you. 

Pock, {aside.) God bless my minions. 
Gert. To-night I have found you, after dogging your 
footsteps for several hours. 

Pock. But why do you dog me? 
Gert. To catch you. 

Maud, {putting his head out.) Dogs him to cats him, 
ha, ha! 

Pock, {approaching Maudlin. Aside.) Keep quiet. 
Maud. Who are you talking to? 
Pock. I'm talking to myself. 
Maud. But I {bus. with book. He disappears.) 
Gert. You shall hear me now. This is no common 
work {producing enormous manuscript}) This tale will 
shake the universe and make the very stars wink with 
amazement. You shall hear me now. 

Pock. No, no, no! {Aside.) If Mr. Griffin comes I 
am lost. {Aloud.) Woman, for you are a woman (Maud- 
lin appears. Bus. with book, %vhich is repeated through 
this speech. Pock, kneeling facing table r.) and therefore 
must have in your heart some spark of pity. 77/////^ what 
you are doing. Until to-day, I have returned home with 
a light heart, an easy conscience. I have faced my in- 
tended and her mother with a steady eye, for I was an 
honest man. {Bus) Gods!! to think that was but yes- 



M 



terday. To-day you — you have made me late for tea. I 
enter my own house like a thief in the night. I tremble 
like a conscience-stricken cur beneath the gaze of my 
own servants. I look with dread, with horror to meeting 
those who, till to-day, iiave welcomed me with smiles. 
You, you are the cause of all this, for you have made me 
late for tea. What have I ever done to you that you 
should drag me from a pinnacle of bliss, to plunge me 
in a chasm of despair? Late for tea, late for tea. [^He 
sinks utterly overcome on c/iair, weeping violently.) 

Gert. [veiy much agitated^) This is terrible, a strong 
man moved to tears. How can I repair this wrong? 

Pock, {rising.) By leaving me at once. 

Gert. I go {going r u e.) 

Pock. Thanks, thanks, {offering her the garter again, 
which he has held in his hand all this time.) Excuse me, 
you've dropped something. 

Gert. Ah! 

Pock. Honi soil qui mal y pense. {Bus. with Mamti- 

LIN.) 

Gert. Keep it, keep it! 

Pock. But I don't want it. 

Gert. {severely.) Keep it! (Pock, collapses. Gently?} 
I understand you, for I too have loved. Alas! he sleeps 
beside the shrimps he liked so well. 

Pock, {trying to hustle her out r u e.) Dear me, how 
sad. Good evening; nice evening, isn't it? Good even- 
ing. 

Gert. When shall I see you? 

Pock, {very nervous) Oh! Monday, Tuesday, Wednes- 
day, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Any day. 
Good evening; nice evening, isn't it? Good evening. 
{Bus with hook.) 

Gert. {at door, turning again.) I'll call in the morn- 
ing. 



15 

Pock. [Jiustliug her out.) Yes, yes; any time you like. 
Good evening; nice evening, isn't it? Good evening 
{hustling her out r u e. As he is following her, he sees 
Maudlin's head. Throics book at it and e.xit rue, 7vith 
Gertie.) 

Maud, [putting his head out, after a pause.) How very 
extraordinary. Pocklington could not have been talking 
to himself. I'm sure I heard a female voice. This is a 
most painful situation for a respectable elderly gentleman. 
Ah! some one comes. I may discover something if I re- 
main here. {Disappears beneath table.) 

Enter Seraphina r i e. 

Sera. Now to put back that penholder. {She creeps 
cautiously towards desk L c, and is about to open it when 

Enter Melchisedec Flighty through window c. He is a 
pale, tragic-looking person, 7vith longish hair, dressed in 
shabby black frock coat and black trousers too short for 
him. His whole appearance bespeaks poverty. He closes 
windoiv after him carefully. 

Sera, {seeing him.) Ah! {Hides penholder as before^) 
Mel. {approaching her menacingly, but pausing at each 

step. Seraphina retreats towards l corner, also pausing 

as he does. Mel. sings very dramatically — 

This is thy deed, seek not to assuage 

My jealous fears, a rival's rage; 

The wrongs we forgive not and cannot forget. 

Will vengeance more sharply whet. 

The wrongs we forgive not and cannot forget. 

Will vengeance more sharply whet. 

Sera, {who has got round to hof i. table, repeats mechan- 
ically.) More sharply whet? 

Mel. {r of i. table.) More sharply «'/^^/. Hush! not 
a word. 



i6 



Sera. You're making llie nuise. 

Mel. No, no; nierely a lillle aria. They will mistake 
it for the summer zephyrs murmuring through the pop- 
lar. I am often mistaken for the summer zephyr iriur- 
muring through the poplar. Is Mr. Pocklington at 
home? 

Sera, igoi/ii^^ tii/iidly up to c.) I'll tell Mr. Pockling- 
ton you are here, sir. 

Mel. {abstractedly.) Do! do! 

Sera. What name, sir? 

Mel. Merely say, a gentleman. 

Sera, {aside.) He looks rather shabby for a gentle- 
man. I'll see if he's a gentleman. {Aloud, holding out 
her haiid) Don'-t forget the parlor maid. sir. 

Mel, {shaking her ha/id.) Forget you? Never, while 
memory holds a seat in this distracted globe. {Releases 
her hand.) Stay; you may say a distant relation. 

Sera. Yes, sir. [^Exit l u e /// dismay. 

Mel. Curious that she should be so anxious for me 
to remember her. {Comes down r.) It is now a whole 
year since Gertrude pushed me off Margate pier. It is 
now three weeks that I have been out of the county asy- 
lum, where her treatment drove me, and during that time 
I had lived on my wits. I have come to the conclusion 
that I must live on something more nouris'hing. Thinks 
I, I'll seek employment from my distant relation, Pock- 
lington, the thriving proprietor of the " Penny Dreadful." 
He should assist me. I'm the nephew of his father's sis- 
ter's cousin's brother. Now by remaining constantly at 
his elbow, I may persuade him to leave me something in 
his will. I will remain constantly at his elbow. I won- 
der who that woman was he was seeing out by the back 
door as I entered by the window. {He is now seated oti 
r table, facing audience. Takes up book aud turns over the 



17 

pages. Maudlin looks out cautious/v behueen M.^l,'?, legs, 
which are ivide apart ^ nnthout seeing hi//i.) 

Maud, {aside.) Ah, ha! The coast is clear. I was 
mistaken. {Creeps out and crawls to c on his hands and 
knees. ) 

Mel. {putting down book sees Maudlin^ startled; 
aside.) I've got 'em again. {Rubs his eyes.) Phit, phit; 
go 'way, go 'way. 

Maud, {looking up; aside.) Dear me, how very awk- 
ward. 

Mel. {aside.) I've not got 'em again; it's a respect- 
able elderly gentleman. {Aloud.) How do you do, sir.? 

Maud, {aside.) How very awkward. {Aloud.) How 
do you do, sir? I — I find it pleasant to take a stroll like 
this occasionally. Just for a change, you know; for a 
change. {Aside.) How very awkward. 

Mel. {aside.) Eccentric old party; evidently an idiot. 
I'll make friends with him. {aloud.) I shall be happy to 
join you. In which direction are you going? [Kneels 
beside hi/n on all fours ) 

Maud. Ha! This way. {Going up c; aside.) How 
very awkward. {They both go up c on all fours) 
Enter Pocklington rue. 

{He closes the door after him and listens intently at the 
keyhole. Maudlin and Melchisedec seeing him rise and 
separate; Maudlin going up r; Mel. l; Pock, conies 
down R.) She's gone; thank Heaven; she's gone at last. 
{Looking at garter which he still holds in his hand.) A 
nice thing to be found in my possession. I'll burn it. 
{Going to fire place.) No, I won't. I'll swallow it. 
{about to do so.) No, I won't. I'll keep it in my pocket 
until I can tie a stone round its neck and throw it in the 
river. {Puts garter in his breast pocket where his handker- 
chief is. Sits R.) Ah! I'm a miserable man. 

Mel. {aside to Maudlin, who is continually taking notes 



in a note book of all that occurs?} He's a miserable man. 
He'll feel for me. \Hits Pock, violently on the back, then 
stands L of him 7vith outstretched hand. 

Pock. [In great terror, 7i.iithout looking up; aside.) It's 
Mrs. Griffin. {Looks at Mel's feet cautiously.) No, it 
isn't; it's Maudlin. No, it isn't; Maudlin's feet have 
bunions; these feet haven't. It's a burglar; what shall I 
do? Strike him to the earth, or pray for mercy. I'll 
pray for mercy. [Kneels.) Spare me, spare me, for 
my Amelia's sake. 

Mel. For your Amelia's sake? 

Pock. She is to be my bride. {Looks up.) Why, it's 
Melchisedec. {Aside.) He's escaped. {Rises.) 

Mel. I've been out three weeks, and as we are dis- 
tant relations — 

Pock. Not half distant enough. 

Mel. I naturally came to see you, that you might re- 
joice with me and kill the fatted calf. 

Pock. I haven't got a fatted calf. 

Mel. You are a miserable man, so am I. Open your 
heart to me; mix your tears with mine. 

Pock. I don't want to mix my tears with yours. 

Maud, {aside l.) If he could only weep, it might do 
him good. {Aloud.) You had better mix your tears with 
his. 

Pock, {angrily.) I refuse. I absolutely refuse to mix 
my tears with his. 

Maud. Oh! very well. {Goes up i. annoyed.) 

Mel. {in a low tone to Pock.) That I presume was 
your intended whom I saw leaving the house by the back 
door as I entered by the window. 

Pock. No, sir; that was — nobody. 

Mel. Nobody; ha! I see. {Digging him in the ribs.) 
Dog, devil. 

Pock, {anxiously looking around^ Hush! I assure you 



19 

I am not a dog. I give you my word of honor I am not 
a devil. {Aside.) He hns seen her. 

Mel. So you have clandestine visitors, do you? Ha! 
I have you by the nose. 

Pock, inputting his hand nicchauically to his nose?) Ha! 

Mel. Metaphorically speaking, of course. You are 
engaged to number i. Numl)er 2 visits you at midnight. 
Shall I inform number i of the existence of number 2? 

Pock, [anxiousl.y) Hush! for Heaven's sake. 

Mel. Good; I will 7iot. And in return for my silence 
you will enable me to earn an honest penny. My great 
desire is to earn an honest penny. 

Pock. Well, your desire is reasonable, certainly. 
'I'here's an honest two- pence for you. {Giving money.) 
Good-by. 

Mel. Ymu misunderstand me; I want honest employ- 
ment, for my business has gone to the dogs. 

Pock. What was your business? 

Mel I used to travel in trowsers. 

Pock. Well, if you don't want to be arrested, you'd 
better stick to it. 

Mel. Pshaw, sir; I want honest employment, and 
what's more, if you don't give it to me, I'll split — 

Pock. Well don't split here; go in the garden. 

Mel. I'll inform number i of the existence of num- 
ber 2. 

Pock, {cornered.) He has me; there's no denying the 
fact that he has me. If he informs number 1 of the ex- 
istence of number 2, I am a ruined man. I must humor 
him, I must humor him. {Aloud.) Well, I want a clerk; 
I engage you; are you satisfied? 

Mel. I am. 

Pock, {aside.) I'll give him prussic acid at the first 
opportunity. {Takes out handkerchief to wipe his fore- 
head; the garter drops to the ground; looks at it a moment 



in despair; then carefully picks it up and places it ifiside 
breast pocket) 

Mel. {aside.) So far, so good. I am at his elbow, but 
he must not marry or I shall not remain at his elbow. He 
will have a nearer and a dearer than the nephew of his 
father's sister's cousin's brother. {Goes up and stands in 
penm'e attitude at back; Pock, who has noiu concealed the 
garter again, turns and finds Maudlin at his elbow making 
notes.) 

Pock. Maudlin, what arc you prowling about for; 
they told me you were dead and buried in a newspaper? 

Maud. I am looking for the t-hief and chewer of my 
penholders; out of fifty penholders, I found about thirty 
chewed. 

Pock. Well, well, don't give way; bear your thirty 
chewed with fortitude. 

Mel. {suddenly dashing betiueen them; to Pock.) You 
contemplate matrimony? 

Pock. I do. 

Mel. {tragically.) Madman, you know not what you 
are about to do. 

Pock, {getting behind a chair which he holds by the back 
with the seat towards him) You alarm me. 

Mel. I have been a victim, but you shall know all. 
You are aware that I was found distracted in a bathing 
machine at Margate? 

Pock. Yes. (r of him, keeping nervously behind his 
chair.) 

Maudlin. Yes. (Maudlin, who is l of Mel., has 
also a chair; during the ensuing scene, PoCK. and 
Maudlin hold their chairs nej-vously in front of them, oc. 
casionally kneeling on them, as Mel. gets excited, and at 
other times standing on the ground behind them) 

Mel. I will tell you why, wherefore, what the offence. 
About a year ago I took to my heart. {Wildly) Oh, I 
was a fool. 



Pock, {soothingly.) So you were. 

Mel. [half aside.) I shall go mad — mad. {Aloud.) I 
took to my heart, what I told myself, was an angel 
dressed in blue. {Wildly.) I was a liar. 

Pock. So you were. 

Mel. {half aside.) I shall go mad — mad. {Aloud.) 
For she was not !iT\ angel; she was d. fiend incarnate. 

Pock. \x\ garnet I I thought you said in blue. But 
I forgot; you're a liar. 

Mel. Let me get it over quickly. 

Pock. Yes, do. 

Maud. Yes, do. 

Mel. We had only been married a fortnight, when 
she commenced to wear the breeches. Poor girl, they 
were not her own wishes which prompted her to wear the 
breeches; they were her mother's. 

Maud. What, the br — 

Pock, {checking him) No, the wishes. 

Mei,. We had slight tiffs at first, mere lover's quar- 
rels. But we had an arrangement, that when she was 
willing to make it up, she should send me a garter. 

Pock. Ah! {Placing his hand nervously on his breast 
pocket; aside) Christopher Columbus; uncommonly cu- 
rious coincidence. 

Mel. One of a pair that I gave her in our days of 
courtship; an exquisite pair; pale blue with gold buck- 
les; cost me one and nine pence. A romantic pledge of 
pardon like those vouchsafed by fair ladies to their 
knights of old. 

Pock. Ah! very pretty idea. 

Mel. But hear me out. These tiffs soon became 
more violent; whenever I spoke to her she jumped down 
my throat. 

Pock. Jumped down your throat? 

Maud. Jumped down your throat? 



Pock. It must have been very painful? 

Maud. He has probably had his tonsils cut. {Makes 
note.) 

Mel. One evening, three months after our wedding 
day, I had received the garter, as a token of truce, after 
a more than usually terrific encounter, during which a 
pork chop, escaping from her fair right hand, flew across 
the breakfast table and alighted rather violently upon my 
left eye. 

Maud. Ah! an illustration of the fact that pigs can 
fly. {Makes note.) 

Mel. We were at Margate, on the pier. She gazed 
at the rising moon; I looked into her melting eye; oh! 
how I loved her; but I must not think of it, or I shall go 
mad — mad. 

Maud. {Aside.) If he says that again I shall scream. 

Pock. {Aside) I wish he'd go mad and get it over. 

Mel. In a moment of ecstatic oblivion, I suggested 
that we should have shrimps for tea; I forgot for the 
moment her unconquerable aversion to shrimps; hardly 
had I uttered the words when I found myself in the boil- 
ing ocean. 

Pock. Great Heavens! she had pushed you in? 

Mel. Precisely. 

Maud. But are you sure it wasn't a piece of orange 
peel? 

Mel. Certain; I employed trustworthy detectives to 
try and fix the guilt upon a piece of orange peel, so anx- 
ious was I to acquit her of the crime. Alas! they proved 
beyond a doubt that oranges had not been eaten on Mar- 
gate pier for fifteen years. The conclusion was obvious; 
my wife had been guilty of an attempt on my life. 

Maud. Was she successful? 

Pock. Don't be an ass, Maudlin; don't he an ass. 

Mel. No; when I came to myself, I was clinging to 



23 

one of the supports of the pier; I managed to land with- 
out attracting attention, but I never returned home; I 
have never seen my wife since. 

Pock. She believes you dead? 

Mel. Doubtless. 

Pock, {putting back his c/iair.) A painful experience; 
but to infer that all wives push their husbands off Mar- 
gate pier 'pears to me absurd; you might as well say they 
all object to shrimps, ha! ha! ha! {He opens his coat to 
place his thumbs in his waistcoat holes; the garter drops; he 
places his foot on it quickly.) 

Mel. Ah! you ridicule my misfortunes. I shall go 
mad — mad I 

Pock. No, no, Melchisedec; I sympathize with you 
sincerely, but I shall run the risk in my own case. You 
must think. I love Amelia! I adore — I wildly worship 
Amelia! {Cautiously -picks up garter}) 

Mel. But she, too, has a mother. 

Pock, {sitting down suddenly.) True; she has. 

Mel. My wife's mother was the cause of my being 
found distracted in a bathing machine at Margate. I 
pray you, pause; I adjure you, by the memory of happy 
days gone never to return, reflect. Come — come with 
me to the reservoir hard by, and let us join the throng 
of broken-hearted cats and love-lorn curs that float tail 
upwards on its friendly breast. 

Pock. Pooh, Melchisedec — pooh! I don't want to 
float on its friendly breast. 

Maud. Perhaps it would do him good to float on its 
friendly breast. {Aloud.) You had better float on its 
friendly breast. 

Pock. Maudlin, I refuse — I absolutely refuse — to 
float on its friendly breast. 

Maud. Oh! very well. {Goes up c annoyed.) 

Mel. I know how it is. I, too, have loved. Have 



24 

loved! Why deceive myself? I do love. "I'is love has 
woiked this change. /, who had once Hyperion's curls — 
the front of Jove himself — an eye like mamma's — am 
now a mashed i)otato. Oh, woman! woman! thy ways 
are inscrutable. Like bearding house hash, thou art a 
mystery. 

Door L u E /.y shaken violently. 

Pock. It's Mrs. Grififin; I feel it in my bones. Open 
the door, Maudlin. She'll kill me; I know she will. 

Maudlin, opening d r u e, admits Mrs. Griffin, /c/- 
lowed by Amelia. 

Maud, {aside to Mrs. Griffin). There's some fear- 
ful mystery here. We must dissemble until the lime is 
ripe. Be patient with him; lead him on; and, above all, 
smile. 

Mrs. Grif. I am quite calm. I have read several 
chapters of Biinyan, and I am quite calm. Where are 
you going, Mr. Pocklington? 

Pock, [ivho is trying to sneak off R u e, placing his 
hands to his cheek). Ooh ' I'm going to have a tooth out. 

Mrs. Grif. Too thin, sir. You will remain here. 

Amel. {rushing to Pock, as he comes donni). Ah, dear 
Theophilus! 

Mrs. Grif. {sternly). Amelia! {She steps between them 
and motions Amelia to a seat. She then takes up a posi- 
tion Q., fixing her eye on Pock.) 

Pock, {ttervously, but endeavoring to look careless j. Ha! 
ha! Here I am, you see. Ha! ha. 

Mel. {aside). This is evidently the mother. He must 
fight her. {To Pock.) Go for her. Don't leave her a 
leg to stand on. What can she do if you don't leave her 
a leg to stand on? 

Pock, {aside). She'd stand on her head. You don't 
know her. She'd stand on her head. (Aloud to Mrs. 



25 

Griffin.) Ha! ha! I repeat, here I am. {Aside.) She 
suspects something; this is the calm before the storm. I 
wish she wouldn't look at me like that. {Aloud.) Good- 
evening. Many happy returns of the day. I'm a little 
late for tea. {Ci'osses in front of Mrs. Griffin, who fol- 
lows him with her eye. Aside.) That eye! It goes clean 
through my shirt-front, pierces my porous plaster, and 
fixes itself upon my spine. I wish she wouldn't look at 
me. [Aloud.) Sorry I'm late, but I've been at work at 
the ofifice. {Aside.) She knows I'm lying; I'm sure she 
does. {Aloud.) You believe me, I hope. You don't 
think I'm deceiving you — Mrs. Grififin — Amelia — ha! ha! 
{Aside, wiping his forehead.) This is terrible. {Aloud.) 
I won't be late for tea again. {Desperately.) Well, I 
haven't been at the office all day — there! 

Mrs. Grif. {tritunphantly). There. 

Maud, {aside to her). Be pleasant. Lead him on. 
Smile. {Makes note.{ 

Amel. Oh, Theophilus. {IVeefs.) 

Maud, {aside to her). Be pleasant. Lead him on. 
Smile. 

Mrs. Grif. {pleasantly). And where have you been, 
sir? 

Amel. Where have you been, Theophilus? 

Maud. Where have you been, Pocklington? 

Pock. I — I've been — {Drops garter ; he puts his foot 
on it with a bound ; all look at him in amazement. Aside?) 
That infernal garter will ruin me; I know it will. {Aloud?) 
I've been out for a walk — haven't I, Melchisedec? {Aside 
to him.) For Heaven's sake, say I have been out for a 
walk. 

Mel. He's been out for a walk. {Aside.) It might 
bring matters to a climax if he were to jump on her ear. 
{Aside to Pock.) Jump on her ear. 



u 



26 

Pock. (/// terror.) No, no, I dare not. {Tries to pick 
ip garter, but stops on Mrs. Griffin speaking) 

Mrs. Grif. Out for a walk, indeed. I don't believe 
it. 

Pock. What? 

Maud, {aside). Poor Pocklington! {To Mrs. Grif.) 
Don't provoke him too far. Remember his great-grand- 
father was a hatter. Lead him on. Smile. 

Mrs. Grif. I am quite calm. {To Pock.) Ah, Mr. 
Pocklington, I'm afraid you are a goodly apple — rotten 
jit the core. 

Amel. {tearfully). Theophilus! Theophilus! That I 
should live to find you a rotten a])]jle. 

Pock. I'-m not a rotten apple. 

Mel. That's right. Don't be sat upon. {Aside.) I 
rni/st make him quarrel with her. It might annoy her if 
he were to hit her on the nose. {To Pock.) Hit her 
on the nose. 

Pock, {aside in terror). No, no; I dare not. 

Mrs. Grif. Now where have you been, Mr. Pock- 
lington? You cannot throw dust in my eyes, sir. 

Pock. I don't want to throw dust in your eyes. 
{Aside.) If I threw anything in her eye it would be a 
brick. 

Mrs. Grif. Do not think you can deceive one who 
has placed six husbands beneath marble tombstones. 

Mrs. G., Amel., and Maud, talk apart L. Pock, contin- 
ually tries to get the garter from under /lis foot, but every 
time he does so, Mrs. G., Amel., and Maud. ///;-// and 
look at him. 

Pock, {aside to Mel.). I don't like their behavior. 
These smiles are the sunshine on the whirlpool. Maud- 
lin's conduct is very strange. I mistrust him. 



27 

Mel. It's the old woman's fault; the old woman's at 
the bottom of it. 

Pock. Does Amelia desert me too? She seems very 
cold to me. 

Mel. The old woman's at the bottom of it. 

Pock. (/;/ despair}, I am surrounded by doubts; afloat 
upon a deep, deep sea. 

Mel. The old woman's at the bottom of it. 

Pock. I wish she was; she's a terrible being. I hereby 
swear that, before I marry Amelia, I will dispose of her 
mother. 

Mel. What! Murder? 

Pock. No; I will get her married to some one who 
will take her up in a balloon next day and leave her on 
a cloud. 

Mel. I'd fight her — argue with her. I'd get right. 

Pock. If you argued with her, you'd get left. 

Mrs. Gkif. Mr. Pocklington [approaching him), who 
is that person there [indicating Mel.) who is perpetually 
whispering in your ear? 

[Mel. goes r, mumbling to himself. 

Maud. Ha! ha! Pocklington's distant relation. A 
most extraordinary person. Ha! ha! Mrs. Griffin, you'd 
die if you were to meet him. 

Pock, {aside, quickly). Introduce him to her at once. 
[He pushes Mel. over to Maudlin, who presents him to 
Mrs. Griffin; they retire to tea table l and converse; 
Amelia is making tea.) 

Pock. Now's my time. [Is about to pick up the garter 
when Mrs. Griffin and Maudlin turn towards him; he 
pretends to pick up a pin.) See a pin and let it lay, bad 
luck all day. [They turn to table again; aside.) This is 
terrible. 

Amel. [continuing conversation.) On my birthday, too. 

Pock, [aside). Ah! happy thought. [Aloud.) But 



28 



why was I late for tea on your birthday? Because, I 
have been all over London, looking for a nice little pres- 
ent for my Meely; Meely. 

Mrs. Griffin, ) 

Amelia, r{hmning suddenly}) Then why all this 

Maudlin. ) mystery? 

Pock. Because, your suspicions have wounded me; 
wounded me deeply. 

Amel. But where's the present? 

Pock, (aside.) Oh! the devil. {Aloud.) Here it is. 
{Gives her a toothpick from his vest pocket}) 

Amel. A toothpick. 

Pock. The gift is not of great value, but it is given 
with all my heart. I thought you would value the giver 
more than the gift. 

Mrs. Grif. Forgive me. {Fails on his r shoulder.) 

Amel. Forgive me. {Falls on his l shoulder.) 

Pock. I forgive you. {Aside.) If I could only get 
that garter. 

Mel. (aside.) There'll be no fight after all. 

Maud, {aside.) Pocklington seems strangely agitated. 
{Makes notes.) 

Mrs. Grif. {q'oing to tea table). Come, let us drown 
all care in tea. 

Maud, {aside). Fancy a man drowning all care in tea, 
at twelve o'clock at night, too. 

Amel. {pouring out tea). Aren't you going to have 
any tea, Theophilus? 

Pock, (still standing on garter c). Oh! yes; FU have 
it here. {Aside.) Until I get that garter, I daren't move. 

Amel. Oh! sit down, Theophilus. 

Pock. I don't want to. 

Mrs. Grif. ) 

Maud. > {all seated at table. Turning to him}) What? 

Mel. ) 



29 

Pock. Oh, very well. {Si/s on the floor and on the 
garter. Aside.) Hang it, why c;;n't they let me alone? 

Amel. What — on the floor? 

Pock. Yes; 1 prefer to sit on the floor, because I 
want to propose a toast. It's lucky to propose a toast 
on the floor. Give me a cup of tea — tea and toast, you 
know. Ha! ha! {^Laughs fee/dy, and is endeavoring to 
flnd the garter, when Amella. brings him a cup of tea.) 

Amel. Here you are. {Gives him tea and returns to 
table L.) 

Pock. I propose a toast. Amelia, and many of 'em 
— I mean, many happy returns of the day. {They all 
drink?) 

Enter Gertie at window c. 

Gert. My manuscript! 
POCKLINGTON, in the act of drinking, dashes down his cup, 
and saucer, smashing them to pieces, rushes up to window y 
thrusts manuscript, which he takes from table r, into her 
hands, pushes her out at window, and strikes careless at- 
titude up c. In the meanwhile everybody has bounded up 
from table, Mrs. Griffin and Maudlin having come 
down stage r and l, Amelia and Melchisedec remain- 
itig at tea table. 

Mrs. Grif. 1 

Amel. .,,, ^, . ,^ , 

,-- r What s the matter? 

Maud, 



Mel. 

Pock, {smiling idiotically). Nothing — nothing. 

Amelia and Mel. sit down again at tea table. Mrs. Grif. 
and Maud, approach to tvhere Pock, was sitting and 
pick up the broken cup and saucer. Pock, anxiously 
listens and gesticulates at luindotv. 

Pock, {coming down, inopping his forehead). She's gone, 
Pm saved {in great joy). 



3° 

Maud, here picks up the garter and holds it up to examine 
it, Mrs. Griffin's eyes following it also. 

Pock, {seeing the garter. In horror). I'm damned ! 

He dashes betxveen them, snatehes garter from Maud., hides 
it ill his bosom, and crouches doivii in abject atid trem- 
bling terror. Mrs. Grif. and Maud, fall back in dis- 
may R and l; Amel. and MiLi.. Jump up from table and 
come doivn R and \.. Thus: 

Pock. 
* 

Mel. . Amel. 

* * 

Mrs. Grif. Maud. 

* « 



End of Act I. 



31 



ACT II. 

Scene. Pockington's office in the city. Green haize 
folding doors at back, opening off the stage. Doors r i E 
and R 2 E. Sofa opposite D. R i e, ^aith the head doxvn 
stage. Fire place L. Large office table covered with 
papers, ledgers, etc. L, opposite fire-place. High office 
desk with high stool behind it, up L. of folding doors. 
Small tcfble 7i<ith deca?iter and glasses R of folding doors. 
Chairs. 
Melchisedec Flighty is discovered seated on high 

stool behind desk up \.. He gesticulates wildly with his pen 

as he declaims the following lines, ivhich he has just composed. 

Mel. [holding up paper?) I think tliatwill pierce her to 

the marrow. [Reading?) 

As the moth meets its death in the bright penny dip; 

Or as raspberry jam lures the fly, 
Have I found my fate in thy honey sweet lip, 

And the treacherous light of thine eye. 

Woman is a penny dip — 

Hearts decoying and destroying — 

Woman is a pot of jam — 

Fair but tricky — sweet but sticky. 

{Coming down c.) The more I read it the more am I 
convinced that it will pierce her to the marrow. It 
would pierce her to the heart if she had one, but she 
hasn't, or she would have pardoned me for being annoy- 
ed because she pushed me off Margate pier. Vainly, 



32 

vainly have I striven to forget her. If she would only 
melt. I have acquainted her with the fact that I still 
live, but alas, I have received no token of her love, of her 
forgiveness. I feel that I am pining away, yet like the 
dying duck — I mean the dying swan — I pour out my 
soul in song the while I die. Gertrude, Gertrude. But 
I must not think of her or I shall go viad — mad. 

Enter Pocklington, hurriedly, c. 

(Mel. has during this speech hacked up to c, and as Pock. 

enters he hits him violently a backhander in the stomach}^ 

Pock. Ah! {Gasping.) What the devil do you mean. 
Melchisedec? (Conies down r. Mel. goes to desk l, ajui 
froivns darkly at Pock, who looks at him a moment in 
alarm. Then aside.) I feel very nervous about Mel- 
chisedec. There's a treacherous look about his left eye. 
I am in constant dread that he will inform Number i of 
the existence of Number 2. I must not appear afraid 
of him, though. {Very boldly and loudly^ Any letters 
this morning, Melchisedec? {He crosses over to L, and 
leans against table l.) 

Mel. {Giving him a letter.) One, sir. {Aside}} A 
woman's handwriting. I must let Mrs. Griffin know of 
this. {Goes to desk l.) 

Pock, {reading letter.) Honored Sir: I take my pen 
in ray hand. {Speaking.) As if a fellow would take his 
pen in his foot. {Again reading; sits at table L.) Hum! 
hum! hum! 

Mel. {aside.) I wonder what it was the old woman 
picked up last night; can't get a word from any one of 
'em; there's blood in the old woman's eye though. I'll 
go and tell her of this letter; that will perhaps bring mat- 
ters to a climax; what a situation it will be. {Excited.) 
Mrs. Griffin bursting into the room like a thunderstorm; 
lightning flashing from her eyes; Pocklington swearing at 



33 

her; Ajax, or rather Pocklington, defying the h'ghtning. 
{Strikes a terrific attitude up c ) 

Pock, {putting letter in his pocket}) Now then, Mel- 
chisedec, just forget that you exi)ect to be poet laureate 
some day, and come out of tlie fog in which you are usu- 
ally enveloped. {Aside.) Queer! a note from Seraphina, 
saying she wishes to see me; what's the matter now, I 
wonder. 

Mel. {at desk up l; he has been engrossed in his poem; 
wildly.) Woman is a pot of jam!!! 

Pock. What? I wish you'd get into the habit of 
speaking like a rational being. (Mel. mumbles.) And 
for Heaven's sake, don't mumble as if you had some ter- 
rible secret on your mind that would never let you rest. 

Mel. {coming doivn to him, takes him by the hand and 
leads him mysteriously to c.) I have — I have a silent sor- 
row here. {Placing his hand on his stomach?) A viper 
gnawing at my heart. {Takes an ink-stained handkerchief 
from his bosom as he speaks.) 

Pock. Yes, s. pen viper, by the color of it. Now, go 
about your business, and don't lei anyone interrupt me 
this morning; I've got a great deal to attend to; I don't 
think Mr. Maudlin will be here. {At table l.) He's gone 
to the old Baily, to hear the Brixton murder case. Now 
go along, and if any one calls, say I've gone into the city 
and have taken my room with me; I mean, taken my key 
with me. {He busies himself at table R.) 

Mel. {Aside? I shall immediately go and report to 
Mrs. Grififin that he has received a letter from a female, 
and requests to be left alone, all the morning. 

Pock. Well, what are you waiting for? 

Mel. (c abstractedly singing.) I'm waiting — I'm wait- 
ing for thee; oh — h — h! I'm waiting. 

Pock. Well, confound you, don't wait for me; get out. 
{Throws a book at him.) 



34 

Mel. a blow; I go. [Clock on mantelpiece strikes 
twelve; Pocklington takes out his 7vatch as if to compare 
the time; Melchisedec, recognizing the situation, strikes 
attentive attitude; then pointing to Pocklington.) Louis 
de Franchi, 'twas you who slew my brother; we shall 
meet again. \^Exit Flighty mysteriously c d /<? Pi. 

Pock, {thnuving another book after him.) Dun't mum- 
ble. {Sitting \. of i. table?) He's got a tile off, a tile off; 
his whole roof's in ruins. {Suddenly) Ah! where's that 
garter? {Feels rapidly in all his pockets, finding it) Ah! 
here it is. That terrible female may be here at any mo- 
ment. Fve sent Amelia and her brother to Madame 
Tussands; so I shan't have Mrs. Griffin prowling about 
here; she'll look much better in the chamber of horrors; 
if I could only get Maudlin to marry her. [Suddenly) 
Ah! where's that garter. {Bus. as before) Ah! here it 
is. By Jove, that was a narrow escape last night; neither 
of them saw what it was; if they had recognized it; the 
garter of a fairy female; the question would naturally 
suggest itself to their suspicious minds. If we feel this 
garter fell from a fairy female, whereas the fairy female 
from whom we feel it fell? Mrs. Griffin would believe 
the worst; that woman seems to think that I am the 
most depraved and dissolute creature on the face of the 
earth. Every ivord, every action of my life, she construes 
as part of some deep laid scheme of debauchery. If I 
could only get Maudlin to marry her. {Suddenly) Ah! 
where's that garter? {Same bus. as before) Ah! here it is. 
•Maud. {Outside c d.) Have you read the papers this 
morning, Melchisedec? 

Pock. Ha! here comes Maudlin with his police re- 
ports; he'll try to pump me; I won't pay any attention 
to him, and then perhaps he'll go. {Busies himself among 
his papers) 

Enter Maudlin c d. 



35 

{^He wears a blue garter pinned to the lapel of his coat, 
only about two inches of it showing, and carries a copy of 
the Police JVe^vs, showing the illustrations; he comes down 
c; aside.) Ah! there he is; I must probe his unwilling 
breas^. {Aloud.) Ah! Pocklinglon; good morning. Oh! 
there's such a lovely murder in the paper this morning; 
tlie police {mysteriously and sitting k of i. table.) have no 
clue. 

Pock, {icho has taken no notice of him; aside). Now, 
who but a lunatic would go about with a thing like that 
pinned to his coat. {Bounding up suddenly.) Can it be 
that he is a teetotaler? No, no, no; I will not believe it. 
{Sitting again.) It's something to do with his infernal 
detective i)usiness, I suppose; but he never will explain. 

Maud, {^vho has been watching Pocklingion intently; 
aside.) He scenis to wince. {Aloud; mysteriously) The 
police have no clue. 

Pock, {starting). No glue; wliat on earth do they 
want with glue? 

Maud. No, no, no; clue. But I think I can see my 
way; let me read it to you; I have ferreted out — 

Pock, {bounding -up). Oh! spare me, spare me, Maud- 
lin; I really am in no mood to listen to you to-day, after 
that row with Mrs. Griffin last night; that woman will 
drive me m.id. Oh! if you could only ferret out some- 
thing about her. 

Maud. Now, do you know, Pocklington, I rather ad- 
mire that woman; I think she's a very good sort of 
woman, as far as she goes. 

Pock. But she doesn't go far enough; if she'd go to 
the north pole now, she'd be a first-rate woman. 

Maud. I can appreciate her fixity of purpose. 

Pock. Her fixed purpose seems to be to persuade her 
daughter that I am a scoundrel. My poor Amelia, you 
know, has been, ever since she was a child, under her 



36 

mother's thumb. {Bringing //is thumb do7vn heavily on 
the table.) 

Maud. Dear me, what a very painful situation; but 
she seems very much attached to her mother. 

Pock. Very much attached to her mother's apron 
strings. 

Maud. Mrs. Griffin is a very intelligent woman. She 
goes about with her eyes open. 

Pock. I wish she'd go about with 'em shut; she 
might smash that nose of hers, which she is always poking 
into my affairs. 

Maud. Well, I am convinced, that could her nose be 
directed into a more praiseworthy channel, she would 
achieve great results. She'd make a splendid detective. 

Pock. She'd make a much better burglar. 

Maud. What a future the;re is before that woman. 

Pock. There is {Pointing downwards^ a warm one. 

Maud. If she'd only listen to me, she would astonish 
the world; and / should have the credit of having dis- 
covered her. 

Pock, {rising). Don't talk as if she were a gold mine, 
Maudlin. • {Aside.) The old man's mad. {Aloud, to 
Maudlin, laho is now standing c.) I say, Maudlin, since 
you admire her so much, why don't you marry her; then 
you'd have her all to yourself; and think! she has a nice 
little independence; three hundred pounds a year. 

Maud. Has she, though? Well, that's a considera- 
tion, for I shall soon have to give the business into your 
hands entirely, my boy. I'm getting on, you know; I'm 
getting on. {Bus.) 

Pock. I wish he'd get off. {Aloud.) Now, uncle, 
you'd better be getting home, hadn't you {shaking hands 
with hif?i)} 

Maud. Three hundred pounds a year; a nice little 
sum. 



37 

Pock, {aside). By Jove! I believe the three hundred 
pounds a year will settle the question — Cupid zx\d cupid- 
ity. 

Maud. By the way, I'm on the track of the thief who 
stole my penholder. I have taken a plaster cast of the 
footprint on the flower bed, and I — 

Pock. Yes, yes; I've no doubt you'll hunt him down. 
{Pushing Maud, toiuard c. d.) Good-day; good-day, 
uncle. By-bye. Ha! ha! 

Maud, {turning round suddenly up c ). But I'm rather 
in the dark. 

Pock. Yes, yes; I know. Like Moses when the light 
went out. 

Maud, [angrily). I'm not like Moses. 

Pock. Don't lose your temper, Moses. In fact I may 
say, Moses, keep your hair on. 

S^Exit Maud, indignantly c. d. 

Pock, {coming dotcn r). Thank Heaven, he's gone. 
What a fearful thing is a guilty conscience. He can 
suspect nothing, and yet — Ah, where's that garter? 
{Same bus?) Oh, here it is. 

Enter Gert. c d. She wears a blue-gray waterproof, 
trimmed with red. She carries her fnanuscript under 

her arm. 

\i 

Gert. Here I am. Mr. Pocklington, I believe. 

Pock, {faintly) And you are not deceived, madam. 

Gert. Deceived! Ah, sir, I have been — cruelly, bit- 
terly deceived. 

Pock, {aside). If I only had a torpedo, (c.) 

Gert. {coming down c). I will tell you all. Some 
months ago, I was wandering, pondering, in an omnibus, 
down Piccadilly — 

Pock, {impatiently). Well, but, madam, I — 



38 

Gert. Ah, hear me! Jiear mel 1 was wandering, pon- 
dering, down Piccadilly, on a Friday — 

Pock. Why, just now you said on an omnibus. 

Gert. /// an omnibus — on a Friday — bitterly bewail- 
ing the cruelty of the publishers, who would not accept 
my novel — "A — 

Pock, {looking at his watcJi). But really, I — 

Gert. "A Blasted Life." 

Pock, {starting violently^,. What! ! 1 

Gert. My novel — "A Blasted Life " — 

Pock. Oh, but really I — {looking at his 7vatch.) 

Gert. When, on arriving at my destination {sits r of 
L table), I suddenly discovered that I had left my purse 
at home on the ebony and gold piano — 

Pock. It's no use; I may as well submit to it. {He 
takes decanter and 7Ciine glass from table K of c T>. Gertie 
follows him tip, thinking he is going out, takes him by the 
arm and leads him down C, again placing chair beside her 
own. He drops into chair mechanically, and, as she speaks, 
endeavors to pour out a galss of wine.) 

Gert. Ah, hear me! hear me! While the excitement, 
caused by the tittering of the people in the omnibus, 
which I was under — 

Pock. You were under the omnibus? 

Gert. No. {Bus. with glass all through this scene. 
Each time Pock, raises the glass to his lips, Gert. seizes 
his hand and prevents him from drinking) While the ex- 
citement, which I was under, was beginning to make me 
feel quite faint, an elderly gentleman suddenly offered to 
lend me the requisite two pence, and scarcely waiting to 
thank him, I rushed away. Some days after this, while 
wandering, pondering, down Piccadilly, in another omni- 
bus — 

Pock. On another Friday? {Bus. with glass.) 

Gert. Yes; strangely enough on another Friday. 



39 

Pock. How strange! {Of ering /icr t/ic glass.) Thirsty? 

Gert. No, sir. Friday — 

Pock. OIi, I see. [S/iiili/ig hopelessly.) Pray proceed. 
{Aside.) This is deh'ghtful. I can't throw her down 
stairs, because she's a woman. [Bus. innth glass.) 

Gert. I met the same benevolent stranger. We were 
alone — 

Pock, {knoiamgly.) Ah — /la! I see. 

Gert. {sei'erely.) Sir! ! ! 

Pock, {abashed). I beg pardon. I don't see. {Bits, 
with glass.) 

Gert. We were alone. I thanked him again, and of- 
fered to return him his two-pence, when he seized my 
hand {seizing PocK.'s; bits. 7vith glass), at the same time 
in his eagerness treading on my favorite corn {treading 
on PoCK.'s foot), and begged me to give him that — 

Pock, {astounded) Your favorite corn? 

Gert. No; my hand. {Aside.) This man's a fool. 

PocK. {aside, and rising in great excitement}) Could 
this have been Maudlin? It's just the sort of thing he 
would do. This is getting interesting. {Sitting again. 
Aloud}} Proceed, madam. 

Gert. I was at the time married to another — a 
younger man — and, notwithstanding the great obligation 
that I felt I was under to this elderly stranger, I made 
up my mind that the only thing for me to do was to re- 
fuse him. {Bus. with glass}) 

Pock. Yes, yes. 

Gert. Having made this determination, spite of the 
tears that coursed down his ancient but benevolent nose, 
I stuck to it. {Bus. with glass.) 

Pock. You stuck to his ancient but benevolent nose? 

Gert. A/'o.' I stuck to my determination, and I soon 
had cause to regret my constancy, and my foolishness, in 



40 

placing any faith in the vows of my younger lover. {Bus. 
with glass?) 

Pock. How so? 

CiEKt. He deserted me, and I was left alone in the 
world with my novel. But adversity wears a precious 
jewel on his head, for the very despair and misery caused 
by his desertion inspired me with great thoughts for my 
"Blasted Life.,' {Bus. with glass>i 

Pock. Your what? 

Gert. My novel — "A Blasted Z//>." 

Pock. Oh! 

Gert. Could I find that benevolent stranger again, I 
would offer him my dilaj^idated heart in return for his 
two- pence. Oh, P^ ter! Peter! Peter! {Rising, sJie buries 
her face in her handkerchief)) 

Pock, {rising in great excitement^, Peter! Peter what? 

Gertie, her face still buried in her handkerchief, seizes de- 
canter from Pock, 's hand ivith her right hand and drinks 
from it, sobbing all the while. 
Pock. I repeat-er — Peter what? 
(tERT. I only know his name to be Peter. 

During the following speech she opens her MS. and is en- 
grossed in its contents, sitting L. 

Pock, {backing to c d). It must be Maudlin. It must 
be he. {Puts glass and decanter down on table r (t/ c D, 
then comes down R.) But I have destined him for Mrs. 
Griffin. The old boy seemed very much inclined to 
marry her three hundred pounds a year, and doubtless 
he is anxious to find a substantial bosom on which to re- 
cline his head. Griffin is to let — furnished.. He must 
take a lease of her for life. This woman must never 
meet him. No, no. I must get her away. Maudlin 
may return at any moment. {Going toward Gert. l.) 
My dear madam., your story is most interesting, but to 



41 

what am I indebted for the pleasure of this visit? {Stf- 
fing beside her.) 

Gert. {s/i07iiiiig him MS). Here is the manuscript of 
my novel. My sad experiences have enabled me to in- 
still into its pages — 

Pock, [risi/rg). Yes, yes. {Aside in great despair.) I 
shall never get rid of her. {Aloud) I'll read it directly; 
believe me. 

Gert. {pulling him baekinto his chair and speaking with 
great feeling) 1 do; I do believe you. You have an hon- 
est face. 

Pock, {aside). Oh, for the face of a demon for just one 
minute. {He makes a hideous grimace and pushes his chair 
from her toward sofa R. 

Gert. {following him to ri^r/if r-vith her chair). Ah, I see 
you are pleased. Well, the character of the heroine is 
very original — a rax'en haired {bus. ivith ^/^^^//''), dark-eyed, 
{bus.), red-lipped {bus.), olive-complexioned — 

Pock, {rising). Oh, Lord! 

Gert. {pulling him into his seat again). 01i\e-com- 
plexioned damsel, just arrived at that stage of life bor- 
dering between girlhood and wiMiianhood — {bus) 

Pock, {rising; he is standing by this time against sofa r.) 
Oh, yes; very good; h\gh]y or/ginal. 

Gert. {rising and pushing him into sofa). Oh, you like 
it. {Sits beside him) 

Pock. Yes, indeed; but — 

Gert. {bounding up). Well, look here. {Goes c and 
places a chair doivn C; then consults her MS) 

Pock, {rising; r corner; aside). I can quite under- 
stand men committing murder during fits of tempo- 
rary insanity. If ever I have to sit on a murderer — I 
mean, if ever I have to sit on the judge — I mean, if ever 
1 have to murder the jury — oh, damn — {as he passes c 
chair, Gert., who is standing behind it, pushes hifn into it) 



42 

Gert. (l of hiiii). This is the scene where the mur- 
der is planned in the first chapter. You will find that 
first chapter a very strong one. 

Pock, {si/ii/i/ig hopelessly). Oh, indeed. {Aside.) Damn 
the first chapter! {About to rise) 

G^-WY. {pushing him back into chair). Sit here. This 
is an old stone bench on tlie edge of a precipice. {Bend- 
ing over it, as if to look doivn precipice) 

Pock, {looking over also; utters a cry of horror) Ah! 
{Then as if about to push her over) Oh, if it were! 

Gert. {placing MS. c). That is the precipice. {Col- 
lecting several bundles of bills, letters, etc., from table i., 
throws them in different directions) There is the bound- 
less ocean; there a snow-clad mountain {becoming quite 
pathetic). See — see the beauteous sun tinging the moun- 
tain top with maiden blushes {gesticulating wildly.. 
Pock, rises, carried aivay by her eloquence, and follows her 
description in wonder. She suddenly hits him in the chest, 
knocking him back into the chair) where you, who are the 
villain — 

Pock, {blandly) Oh! indeed; r?n the villain? 

Gert. Yes; you avow your love for me. {Kneeling 
beside him l; she places Pock.'s arm around her waist and 
continues to talk wildly in dumb show; c d quietly opens 
and Mrs. Griffin and Amelia silently enter; Gertie is 
now referring to her MS. before her) 

Mrs. Grif. {triumphantly aside, to Amelia; they both 
remain up c.) Now, Amelia; perhaps you will believe 
your eyes? 

Amel. Oh! mother, mother. {Clings to Mrs. Grif- 
fin.) 

Gert. Well, having told your love so eloquently, I 
yield to your persuasions to fly, for I adore you. {Pas- 
sionately. ) 

Mrs. Grif. Brazen hussey!! {Aside; furious) 



43 

Pock, {^smiles idiotically at Gertie.) Yes. 

Gert. Don't be so giddy. 

Pock. I can't help it, my dear; its the precipice. 
{Pointing to manuscript c.) 

Gert. Well, having made all arrangements, you leave 
your mother-in law to the tender mercies of my wicked 
uncle, who poisons her. 

Pock, [emphatically^ Good!! very good!! I like that, 
ha! ha! go on, go on. 

Mrs. Grif. {aside.) Villain! monster!!! 

Gert. {^u^ry much excited) And we escape to America 
on a raft. 

Mrs. Grif. {aside.) Gracious Heaven!! 

Pock. Splendid! splendid! 

Amel. {aside.) Oh! mother, mother. 

Gert. I am quite ignorant of the fact that you are 
married; but you insist on taking a woman with you, 
whom I discover, when in the middle of the Atlantic, to 
be your wife. 

Mrs. Grif. Oh! horror. {Aside.) 

Gert. In the strugi^le which ensues, your wife is 
killed. 

Pock. Ah! {In his excitement he gets on the back of 
his chair, his feet on the seat.) Why, who kills her? 

Gert. You do; you smash her head in with a boot. 

Pock. Ah!! Don't you think the anchor would have 
been better? 

Amel. Oh! mother, mother; let us hear no more, no 
more. 

Mrs. Grif. {in a hoarse whisper.) Stay, girl; we will 
hear all. Courage! courage! {She takes Amelia bv the 
hand; they come doivn c behind Gertie and Pock.) 

Gert. Then as we have consumed all the food on 
board, we are obliged to cat your vvife. 

Pock, {still on back of chair and very much excited) 



44 

AJtH Oh! I say, that first chapter is a little too strong, 
ha! ha! ha! eat my wife. Now, if it were her mother! 

Mrs. Grip, [coming down suddenly L, while Amelia 
goes dotvn r of Pock.) Well, sir? 

Pock, utters a yell of horror and falls backward over his 
chair; Gertie also falls l of him; he bounds up and 
covers her face ivith the hood of her cloak; seizes her hat, 
which has fallen off, and endeavors to hide it. 

Mrs. Grif. [pointing to Gertie.) Well, sir? 
Pock, [seizing her hand and shaking it.) Quite well, 
thanks; yes. 

Mrs. Grip, [violently.) So, sir? 

Pock, raises Gertie, holds her in his arms, still keepitig 

her face covered; and not knowing what to do with her 

hat, in his excitement he puts it on his head; it is a large 

brigand hat, with huge feather. 

Mrs. Grif. [violently.) So, Mr. Pocklington. 

Pock. 1 — I haven't got anything to sew. 

Mrs. Grif. What have you to say, sir? 

Pock, [smiling pleasantly.) Ah! you didn't go to Ma- 
dame Tussands then, after all? 

Mrs. Grif. [violently.) No, sir; we did not do so. 

Pock. You did not too so, ha! ha! Very good; very 
good, indeed. 

Mrs. Grif. [wildly.) Sir!!! 

Pock. You wouldn't like to go there 7ioiv? 

Mrs. Grif. [violently.) No, sir. 

Pock. No! that's what I say; you would not; you 
would not like to go to the Tower or the Monument? 

Mrs. Grif. {madly.) No, sir!!! 

Pock. No! That's what I say; you would not. 

Mrs. Grif. [losing all self control.) Enough sir; we 
have overheard all. 

Pock, [aside.) Gad; then I must put a bold face on 



45 

the matter; 1 must bully her, or rather coiv her; but what 
am I to do with this! {^Placing Gertie on sofa r; covers 
her face}) Maudlin must never meet or even hear of 
her again. {To Mrs. Gkiffin, 7vho has been attempting 
to console her daughter^ So, madam; having broken into 
my apartment, like a jolly old burglar, you imagine, no 
doubt, that you have made an important discovery ? 

Mrs. Grip. Imagine.' I have made a discovery; I 
am quite sure of ir. On your knees, Mr. Pocklington, 
and implore pardon of my injured child and your indig- 
nant mother-in-law, that is to be. As for that woman, 
{pointing to sofa) the law shall deal with her. 

Pock, {aside.) Yes; the raother-in-/aw. 

Maudlin appears c d; « note book in his hand. 

Mrs. Grip. Mr. Maudlin has overheard your diaboli- 
cal plot as well as we. 

Enter Maudlin c d; comes down r of sofa. 

Maud. Yes; I've got it all down here; I have recog- 
nized in this person the thief of my penholder; I 
knew her by the footprint outside the door. Oh! Sera- 
phina, Seraphina. {Aside.) Ah! that gray-blue water- 
proof, trimmed with red. {Goes c making notes.) 

Pock. Seraphina is beyond the reach of your anger. 

Mrs. Grif. {sinking ifito chair l ^/ l table) ) 

Maud, {sinking into chair c.) > Dead!' 

Amel. {sinking into chair K of l. table.) ) 

Pock. No.' What I mean is that the person you see 
on that couch is not Seraphina. 

Maud, {rising.) That won't do, Pocklington. 

Pock, {angrily.) Silence, Maudlin. (Maudlin sinks 
back into chair c.) 

Amel. {rising.) Who is the woman, Theophilus? 

Pock. A lady who has called to transact some busi- 
ness with me, my dear. 

Mrs. Grif. (c) But you don't transact business with 



46 

women in your arms, Mr. Pocklington. Man, vian; your 
goings on will kill mc. {Retires weeping L corner}) 

Pock, (r aside.) Then I shall certainly continue my 
'" goins^s on." 

MkS. Grip. You will bring down my rapidly growing 
gray hairs in sorrow to the grave. 

Amel. {crossing to c.) Oh! Theophilus; have you no 
respect for manima's rapidly growing gray hairs. {Goes 
up K c weeping) 

Pock, {r corner; aside, evidently deeply touched) Hang 
it, they've found out my weak point; I aUvays had a great 
reverence for age; this is too much. {Aloud.) My dear 
madam, believe me I sympathize with your rapidly grow- 
ing bald head. 

Mrs. Grif. {violently) MoiisterU! 

Pock. I mean — 

Mrs. Griffin. Silence! ribald, rufifian. He ridicules 
my rapidly growing bald — {correcting herself) giay hairs. 
{She tvecps l.) 

Amel. Oh! Theophilus. {Weeps also c) 

Maud, {rising). I say, Pocklington, you really should 
not ridicule her rapidly growing fiald — gray hairs — 

Pock. Silence, Maudlin. [Mavd. again sinks into 
chair C.) Mrs. Griffin, I am sorry if I — 

Mrs. Grif. A falsehood, Mr. Pocklington; an impu- 
dent falsehood. {Crossing to sofa). I insist on seeing 
this woman's face. 

Pock, {intercepting her). Stand back, madam; your 
curiosity shall not be gratified. {Aside) I must remove 
her to another room. {He is about to do so when Amel. 
comes doivn c.) 

Amel. Theophilus, one word. Fickle, holloiv The- 
ophilus, one word. {Tearfully) Why have you de- 
ceived me, hollow Theophilus? Why tell your trusting 
Amelia you adore when you do not adore? 



47 

Pock, (r of sofa). 'Cause I'm ajar — no, no — 

Amel. Why are you hoUou\ Theophilus? 

Pock. My darling, I'm twt hollow. 

Amel. [beseechingly). Oh, Theophilus, tell me why you 
are hollow. 

Maud, [j-ising). Tell her why you are hollow. 

Pock. Silence, Maudlin! {yixvD. sinks info his chair.) 

Mrs. Grip, {severe/}^. Man, why are you hollow? 

Pock, {in despair). I give it up. (TT^Amel.) Ask 
me another, dear. 

Amel. Theophilus, another word. In spite of my 
dear mother's endeavors to open my eyes to your base- 
ness, I have, in the excess of my faith in you, remained 
blind to it. I have hoped that her suspicions might 
prove unfounded and be merely the outcome of her anx- 
iety for my honor. But now I can no longer doubt. 
Having lost your love, I mean to trouble you no longer 
with my detested presence [going c d). 

Pock, [who has made several attempts to interrupt Amel. 
during this speech, but has had to elude Mrs. Grif.'s en- 
deavors to see Gertie's faceY Amelia, Amelia, do not 
say that all is sofa between us [pointing to sofa.) 

Amel. [up at c d). Farewell — forever. 

[iS'.v/V Amel. c d 

Pock, [up c). Amelia, I will explain all. This woman 
is — [Aside) No, no; Maudlin shall not meet her. I will 
explain when I get her out of the house. [At sofa; turn- 
ing to Mrs. Grif.) This, woman, do I owe to you. 
You have worked matters up to this horrible climax with 
yonx serpent's -tongue — I mean sting. 

Maud, [rising). I say, Pocklington, respect her rap- 
idly growing gray hiirs. 

Pock. Silence, Maudlin. (Maud, sinks again into his 
chair c?) 

Mrs. Grip, [to Pock.) Cease your abuses, sir. What 



48 

woman of any spirit will submit to be supplanted by an- 
other in her lover's affections! Why did we ever meet 
you? Our life was peaceful and happy, till o'er our path 
— with you — stole black care. 

Pock. I never stole your back hair. 

Mrs. Grif. Till we met you the world seemed bright 
— the sun slione — the green fields laughed — ha! ha! 

Maud, {sadly.) Ha! ha! 

Pock. Ha! ha! 

Mrs. Grif. The little lambs skipped joyfully from 
bough to bough [bus. skippiin^; Maud, and Pock, also 
skip), when you arose like^a — a hideous pimple on the 
smiling face of earth. 

Maud. Yes, you pimple, you. • 

Pock, [aside.) I shall have a Jit in a minute. 

Mrs. Grif. I approve of my daughter's conduct; she 
shall get a divorce — directly she's married. 

Pock. But I — this woman is — {Aside.) No, I will 
not, at any cost, run the risk of Maudlin recognizing her. 

Maud, {rising). The evidence is very strong against 
you, Pocklington. 

Mrs. Grif. {crossing to l). Once for all — Will you let 
me see this woman's face? 

Pock. Once for all — No! {Takes Gert. /;/ his arfns.) 
Do your worst. 

\^Exit D R I E, wit/i Gert. /'// /lis arms. As he carries her 
out he drops the garter. Mrs. Grif. is about to pick it 
tip, when M.h\}V>. pounces upon it and secures it. 

Maud. Ah! this is the thing he dropped last night.. 

Mrs. Grif. A garter! The garter of a fairy female. 
Whose is it? 

Maud. Precisely. If you feel this garter fell from 
a fairy female, who's the fairy female from whom you 
feel it fell? This will convict hirrj. {Aside,) Hulloa! 



49 

Why, this is the fellow to the garter I ])icked up in the 
omnibus. {He snatches the one off his coat, compares them 
for an instant, then pockets both?) Now I recognize the 
blue-gray waterproof trimmed with red. 

Mrs. Grie. Give me that garter, Mr. Maudlin. I 
insist. 

Maud. No, no; I will produce it at the proper time, 
and ive will confound him. {Aside.) This is very singu- 
lar — very singular. 

Enter Pock, r i e. 

Pock. Now, then, that the cause of all this excite- 
ment is removed, perhaps you will leave me to myself. 
{Aside.) She's coming to. I've almost pickled her with 
vinegar. 

The door r i e opens and Gert. appears. Pock, seizes 
her by the shoulders, covers her face with her cloak, opens 
D R 2 E, and puts her in, retaining her ivaterproof, 
Maud, and Mrs. Grif. endeavoring all the zvhile to 
catch sight of her. 

Gert. {speaking during this bus.). Where's my manu- 
scriDt? 

Maud. Manuscript? {Making 7iote.) 

Mrs. Grif. Manuscript? 

Pock, {at door r 2 'e., kicking out behind to keep them 
away). I'll read it to-morrow and send it to you; but if 
you don't keep quiet, I'll have nothing more to do with 
it. [Slams door and locks it, standing with his back against 
it. Aside.) She's safe at last! {Hides waterproof by 
winding it round his waist and buttoning his coat over it. To 
Maud, and Mrs. Grif.) Well, good- bye;' sorry to lose 
you; call again; write to me; mind yow write to me. 

Mrs. Grif. Here we remain until I have seen that 
woman's face! 

Pock, {aside). What shall I do? Could I contrive to 
make her slip away, I shouldn't care a damn! 



5° 

Enter Mel. c d, intent on his poem. He remains up c. 

Mel. Woman is a penny dip — 
Woman is a pot of jam — 

Pock, {seeing him). Melchisedec! {Aside.) I never 
was glad to see him before. He must get her out, or I 
am lost! {Dragging Mrs. Grip, tioivn c) Mrs. Griffin, 
I will tell you all. Here — here — {Dragging Maud. do7vn 
c.) Maudlin, I will tell you all. Here — here — excuse 
me one moment — (Maud, and Mrs. Grif. sta7id c, in 
great expectation. Pock, goes up to Mel., 7e.iho is mum- 
bling to himself tragically.) Melchisedec, stop mumbling 
and listen to me. There's a woman in that room. 

Mel. {starting violently). What! I shall jump out of 
my skin. 

Pock. Dont! you might catch cold. Hush-h-h. Tell 
them a story — don't let them look this way for two min- 
utes — and I — I'll give you half a crown. 

Mel. a woman — eh? Ha! ha! {Digging him in, the^ 
ribs) Dog — devil. 

Pock. Hush! I assure you I am not a dog; I give 
you my word of honor I am not a devil. 

Mrs. Grif. You are trifling with us, Mr. Pocklington. 

Maud. Pocklington, what's your little game? 

Pock. Melchisedec wants to tell you a most remark- 
able story. {Pushing Mel. to c.) 

Mel. {aside to Pock.) I don't know one. 

Pock, {aside.) Commence. " Once upon a time " — 
go on. :/\ 

Mel. {taking Mrs. G. atid Maudlin down c.) Once 
upon a time — 

Pock, has rushed up /^ r 2 e; Mrs. G. and Maudlin 
turn and look at him; he hums a tune carelessly. 

Mel. Come, listen to me. ( They turn to hi?n; aside.) 
Shall I expose him? It would certainly bring matters to 



5' 

a climax. But, no; he wouldn't leave me anything in 
his will. {Aloud}) Once upon a time — (Mrs. G. atul 
Maudlin turn on Vocv.. again; same bus.) Come, come, 
listen to me. [T/iey turn to hifn.) Once upon a time — 
(Pock, has half opened D r 2 e; he shuts it quickly as they 
turn again, and leans against it humming a tune.) 

Maud. Pocklington, what are you up to? 

Mrs. Grif. What are you doing, Mr. Pocklington? 

Pock. Nothing, nothing. {Coming down drags Mel. 
aside to R.) Fit tell them a story; you get her out; if 
she's not discovered, I'll leave you something in my will. 

Mel. Good! Sooner than she shall be seen, I'll 
strangle the whole family; dog, devil. {Digging hitn in 
the ribs.) 

Pock. Hush! I assure you I am not a dog; I give 
you my word of honor, I am not a devil. {M.^]^. goes up 
/6' D R 2 e; Pock, takes Mrs. G. and Maudlin by their 
arms c.) Ha! ha! {Leading them dorvn c.) Ha! ha! 
Once upon a time — {Looks back anxiously at Mel.) I 
say, once upon a lime there was — {Looks back.) I re- 
peat, once upon a time there ^vas a man — {Looks back) 
I repeat, a man, who was walking in a dark wood — I say 
a dark wood — {Looks back.) I repeat, a dark wood — 

Mrs. Grif. {very much interested.) Well! well! 

Maud, {ditto.) Well! well! 

Mel. has taken Gertie out of room r 2 E, and is leading 
. her by the hand, without looking at her, to D c. 

Pock, {proceeding, very much excited.) I say again, a 
dark wood; when in accents that made his blood run 
cold — {Lookifig back) I say, run cold; and froze the 
very marrow in his bones — I say marrow in his bones; 
he heard a voice cry — 

Mel. Having arrived at c D, turns and sees Gertie's 
face as she rushes past him out at c v>\ he utters a fran- 



52 

tic shriek, at which Maudlin, Pock, and Mrs. Griffin 
sit suddenly on the floor, as if shot, and without a move- 
ment of any sort, stare in front of them with glaring eyes 
and open mouths; Mel. ajr //£■ utters the shriek turns a 
complete back somersault, lands on his feet, strikes a ter- 
rific attitude and exclaims: 

My wife!!.' 



making the picture thus: 



Mel. 



Maudlin. Pock. Mrs. Griffin. 

* * * 



Curtain — End of Act II. 



The somersault is turned by a double. 



53 



ACT III. 

Scene. The same as in Act I on the afternoon of the 
same day as Act II. Amelia and Mrs. Griffin dis- 
covered. 

Amel. Mamma, I believe Theophilus is the victim of 
some mistake. He has been so obedient to your wishes 
in every particular until yesterday that I cannot think 
him guilty. 

Mrs. Grif. My dear, love is proverbially blind. For 
my part, I am beginning to feel afraid of him. He told 
Mr. Maudlin and me a story this morning which had the 
most extraordinary effect upon us both, and so astounded 
that distant relation that he has never been heard of 
since. 

Amel. But, mamma, why should he be so well be- 
haved until the last moment, and then spoil all his pros- 
pects wilfully. I am sure he loves me. 

Mrs. Grif. Has he dared to tell you so? 
Amel. No, mamma, indeed he has not; another proof 
of his desire to act honorably. He promised you he 
would not speak of love to me until you felt satisfied he 
was a fit suitor to my hand. But I have seen the long- 
ing in his eye. 

Mrs. Grif. Which eye? 

Amel. Both. I have seen the words, " I love you," 
trembling on his lips, but he has swallowed them man- 
fully. Concealment has fed upon his damask cheek. 



S4 

Mrs. Grif. Well, if cheek stands for impudence, con- 
cealment has had a ])retty good meal of it. 

Amel. Mother, a man who can suffer thus for the 
sake of her he loves, is not the one to trifle with her 
heart. In the agony of the moment I believed him false; 
but reflection has convinced me that I must have wronged 
him. 

Mrs. Grif. Poor child — poor child! But you must 
forget him; he is unworthy of you. We will leave this 
place, and in a distant land new scenes and faces will 
obliterate the past. We will go to Brighton. As for 
that miserable Maudlin, who pretended to be my ally, 
but was working for his own ends while he attempted to 
entwine himself around my susceptible heart, he shall 
dream no more. I have written him a letter which will 
effectually wake him up. We shall leave this house to- 
night, ril teach them to trifle with one who has placed 
six husbands beneath marble tombstones. 

YExit Mrs. Griffin d l u e., 

Amel. I suppose mamma is right. She must know 
something about it if she has placed six husbands be- 
neath marble tombstones. But it seems so hard — so 
hard. I loved him so! Oh-h-h, my heart will break! 
( Weeps.) 

Enter Pocklington rue. He appears titterly dazed 
and limp. Comes slowly down c. 

Pock. I've lost that garter. I know Maudlin's got it. 
I saw it in his eye. I don't care. Fate is against me. 
One last effort to clear myself with Amelia, and then — 
ivhat then? There's always one resource for the desper- 
ate. {^Produces from his overcoat pockets an enormous bot- 
tle labeled " Poison " and a huge pistol}, I wonder what's 
become of Melchisedec. Both he and that fearful female 



55 

seem to have vanished into thin air. {Seeing Amelia.) 
Ab! 

Amel. {looking up) Theophilus — Mr. Pocklington! 

Pock. Amelia — dear Amelia! You cannot believe 
me guilty. Circumstances are against me, but I swear to 
you — by everything — here — there — and tvtx^jwhere — that 
it is all a mistake. Your dear image has ever been en- 
graven in my heart. 

Amel. I am pleased to be engraven in your heart, 
Theophilus, but the evidence against you is overwhelm- 
ing. 

Pock. Evidence! Evidence! Maudlin has had a 
hand in it, I'll be bound — the infernal old — 

Amel. Theophilus, rsspect his years. He is a good 
old man. Let him be engraven in your heart. I must 
obey mamma; you must obey mamma. 

Pock, {angrily.) Oh — bey — mamma. Amelia, dear 
Amelia, I can be silent no longer. For your sake I have 
submitted to everything. My lips have been as dumb 
for six months past as — as those of this defunct bloater 
{taking one from tea table), because you wished me to 
obey your mother. I cannot bear this tyranny longer. 
She is unjust — cruel. 

Amel. Oh, Theophilus, don't speak like that of mam- 
ma. Let her be engraven in your heart. 

Pock. Hang it, Amelia, I can't have engravings of 
all the family in my heart; I'm not a picture gallery. It 
is but natural that I should speak to you of love, and 
ask if my affection is returned. 

A-MEL. Theophilus, mamma has forbidden it. Rather 
than disobey mamma, I would eat my head. 

Pock. Oh, no! no! anything but that; I couldn't bear 
to see you eat your head. I will be silent. I will not 
tell you how I love, although, in the effort to repress my 
feelings, I burst. 



56 

Amel. Oh, Theophilus! don't burst. 

Pock. I will not allude to the ecstatic visions which 
nightly bloater (/v/j-. with bloater) — I mean float 'er — float 
'er — before nie of blissful existence passed forever by 
your dear side. Ah! had fate willed it otherwise — had 
you been free! 

Amel. What would you do? 

Pock. Throw myself at your feet. {Does so.) I 
would say, " Here is my heart {bus. ivith bloater) — ac- 
cept it. Here is my life — share it. 

Amel. Oh, Theophilus, if you could only persuade 
mamma of your innocence, all would be well. For I 
love you, Theophilus {kneeli/ig in front of him., face to face) 
— I love you. {Falls toward him, hitting him in the chest 
with her head.) 

Pock, {gasping.) Oh, rupture — I mean rapture. {Em- 
braces her) 

Enter Maudlin L u e. ' 

Maud. Pocklington, T — 

Amelia screams and runs off. 

Maud. I — I'm afraid — I intrude. 

Pock. You do — very much. What the devil do you 
want? ( Walking up and down r to l.) She loves me. 
{MAVBhiN folloic's close behind him.) I am again a man. 
Away all thoughts of suicide! Vanish despair as mist 
before the morning sun! I'll wipe the stain from off tiny 
name. I'll blot the Grififin from my path, or die! {Tu*ns 
suddenly and fijids 'M.kV'Dl.\i<i facing him. Angrily) What 
do you want, miserable traitor, who, while drawing from 
me the secrets of my heart under the guise of friendship, 
handed me over to the enemy. {Aside.) I wonder where 
he's put that garter? 

Maud. It wasn't my fault; that woman has such in- 
fluence over me; she can twist me round her little finger. 



57 

Pock, {aside.) Now, that's absurd; I don't believe 
any woman could twist a man of his size round her little 
finger. He must think I'm a fool. {Aloud.) Go on, I 
believe you; go on Perhaps you will say that you have 
acted as my friend, niy champion. I shall believe you; 
go on, go on, ha! /la.'.' 

Maud. So 1 have, Pocklington; I have been in hot 
water with Mrs. Griffin all day. 

Pock. Whatl {Aside.) Now. I've got him. {Aloud; 
sternly.) Look here. Maudlin; I allow no man to get in 
hot water with my prospective mother-in-law, unless his 
intentions are honorable. If you are a gentleman, you 
will marry her; you must, you shall marry her, at once. 

Maud. Oh, no; it's all over. I'm a miserable man. 

Pock. What's the matter noiv? 

Maud. In a moment of great admiration for her 
strength of mind, I proposed for Mrs. Griffin's hand. 

Pock. You did? Brave old man; magnificent old 
warrior. Did your proposal surprise her? 

Maud. It knocked her into the middle of next week. 

Pock. Indeed? She accepted you? 

Maud. She did; but this morriing she said that I did 
not sufficiently drag the truth from your unwilling breast; 
and she gave me such a sample of her temper; and then 
she threw those tombstones in my teeth. 

Pock. You don't say so; that must have been a great 
shock. 

Maud. It was; it has caused \.\i\% falsetto voice. 

Pock. I should have thought it would have caused 
false set <?' teeth? 

Maud. I dare not pass my declining years with her; 
any day might bring her down on my devoted head. 

Pock. That wouldn't hurt her; she'd fall on somer 
thing soft, 



58 

Maud. If it were not for the damages, I'd break it 
off. 

Pock. What; your devoted head? 

Maud. No; the match. 

Pock. No, no; you must'nt do that. 

Maud. Suppose I break my leg; she wouldn't like to 
marry a cripple. 

Pock. She would; she's anxious to marry a cripple; 
she told me so. 

Maud. Then I'm doomed. {Faints.) 

Pock. He's fainted; what shall I do? I know; I'll 
chew his ear. No, I'll search him; perhaps it's in his 
pocket. {Is searching him, ivheii) 

Enter Seraphina l u e. 
What do you want? {Aside.) It's there; I felt it in his 
pocket. 

Sera, {coming down l). A letter for Mr. Maudlin. 

Maud, {reviving). Where am I? 

Pock, {taking letter from Seraphina and giving it to 
Maudlin.) Here you are; a letter. {2^o Seraphina.) 
Who gave it to you? 

Sera. Mrs. Grififin, sir. 

Pock. Ah! {Aside.) It's to make up the qualTel. 
IV/iy, what's up no7V? 

Maud, {who while reading the letter has gradually as- 
sumed a look of terrible remorse, is now leaning panting 
against table r). It's all over; she's lost to me forever. 

Pock. Nothing of the sort; you must take her back. 
Maud. I don't want her back; I want the entire wo- 
man; you can't divide her into sections. Now I know 
she is beyond my reach; I feel I love her still. 

Pock. Of course, you do; and I have always said you 
were a lucky dog. {To Seraphina who is i.^ Say you 
have heard me call him a lucky dog. 

Sera. Mr. Pocklington has often called you a dog, sir. 



B9 

Maud. Don't remind me of my loss. 

Pock. P/iof she isn't lost. {Aside to Seraphina.) 
Say she isn't lost. 

Sera. She isn't lost, Mr. Maudlin. 

Pock. The quarrel was entirely your own fault. 
You've a beast of a temper. [Tryi/i!^ to get at his tail 
pocket; Maudlin takes the tails of his coat in his hand.) 
I've always said so, haven't I, Seraphina? 

Sera. Mr. Pocklington has always said you were a 
beast, Mr. Maudlin. 

Pock, {aside to Seraphina.) Stupid, stupid. {To 
Maudlin.) Go at once and ask her pardon. 

Maud, {resolutely). Never; I am resolved; we are 
parted forever. Listen to this: {Reading letter.) '^ Peter.'' 
There's a way to begin a letter. '^Peter. It would be 
" wrong to continue in error; let us part; our marriage 
" is now impossible; you will only see me when united 
" to another. Penelope." T'here's a way to end a letter: 
" Penelope." 

Pock. Of course, if you read it like that, you may see 
hatred in the tenderest confession of love. {Snatching 
letter.) Let me read it. {Reading with great feeling) 
" Peter " — that's your name, isn't it? You wouldn't have 
her call you Buggins — nor — nor Muggins. 

Sera. Nor Juggins. 

Pock. No! nor Juggins. [Reading very tenderly.) 
''''Peter, \\. would be wrong to continue in error" — " /;/ 
error" — how delicately expressed! "/// error" — how 
free from all reproach! She doesn't say that you were 
coarse — violent — brutal. 

Maud, {astounded.) Because I wasn't.' 

Pock. Oh! yes, you were. {Aside to Sera.) Say he 
was. 

Sera. Oh, yes, you were! 

Maud. But she talks of marrying another. 



6o 

Pock. No! no! [Tearfully reading}) ''You will only 
see me when united to another PenelopeT She refers to 
your marriage. Observe — here the letter ends — emotion 
has reached its climax — her eyes fill with blinding tears 
— the pen drops from her trt-mbling hand — {breaks down 
utterly; bus. with shirt front; Sera, weeps on his L, Maud. 
on his R.) 

Maud. You have a way of reading it, certainly. 
Theophilus, you have restored hope to a blighted heart. 
{Leans on PoCK.'s shoulder; Pock, drops; bus.) 

Pock. Don't mention it — don't mention it. [He tries 
to get the garter from Maud.'s tail poeket; Maud, holds 
the tail of his coat. Aside) I must get that garter! I 
must detain him! 
■ Maud. Let me go! 

Pock. Never! I mean, where are you going to?: 

Maud. To find Mrs. Grififin. 

Pock, {aside) With that garter! [Aloud.) You can't 
see her now. 

Maud. Why? 

Pock. Why? Why, because — er — because — you told 
me just now that you had knocked her into the middle 
of next week. You swore to it. 

Maud. Well? 

Pock. Well, since you have knocked her into the 
middle of next week, she will remain there, unless some- 
body knocks her back again to the beginning of this 
week. But as that is a contingency all but impossible, you 
will not see her again until you arrive in the middle of 
next week. JVoiu, the middle of next week being Thurs- 
day, and this being Monday, you will not get there for 
ten days. So you may as well sit still. 

Maud. True. {Staggered; aside.) Ah! but although 
she cannot return, /can follow her {going L u e). 

Pock. Where are you going to? 



6i 

Maud, [at l U e). The middle of next week. 

\^Exit M.'VUD. L u E. 

Pock, [coming doiv7i). Let me collect my ideas. If 1 
could only get that garter! The woman may own it — 
Maudlin recognizes her — and the Griffin will remain a 
bachelor — I mean a widow. I have it. I must get an- 
other pair immediately and exchange them. But how? 
howl {Seeing Sera.) Ah, I have it! Seraphina! Se?a- 
phina! You are an angel! 

Sera, (r c). Lor', Mr. Pocklington, what's amiss now? 

VocK. {aside, down h). How to get them! It's rather 
a delicate matter to approach — I should say, it's rather 
an indelicate matter to approach. Shall I trust to diplo- 
macy, or shall I frighten her. I think diplomacy — diplo- 
macy first, at any rate. {Aloud.) Seraphina, to what 
am I indebted for the pleasure — I may say the bliss — 
the unutterable bliss of this visit? 

Sera. Please, sir, I want to ask you — as I know you 
are a soft-hearted gentleman — 

Pock. I am! I a>n! My heart is like a bit o( putty. 

Sera. Lor'! I want to ask you, sir, if you will ask 
Mr. Maudlin to forgive me for taking his penholder to 
write a letter to my Hedivard2 He's that angry, and I'm 
afraid he'll send rne away. {Sobs.) 

Pock. Ah! Seraphina, do not weep; if he sends you 
away it shall be over my dead body. 

Sera. ZorH 

Pock. On one condition: that you will give me — 
That you will give me — That you will give me your 
garter. (Seraphina retreats to R, frightened}) Will you 
give me your garter, Seraphina? {Kneels; aside, rising.) 
I'm afraid I shall have to frighten her. [Seizing a chair; 
aloud, threateningly.) Will you give me your garte^, Sera- 
phina? 

Sera, (r c). Lor! the man's mad; he'll kill me; Hed- 
ward, where har you? {She is now fiear door R 2 E.) 



Pock. There, that's it; retire into that room and hand 
them to me tlirough the door. 

Sera, [tre/nblingly). Yes, sir. Hedward, where har 
you? [Exit in fear to room r 2 E.) 

Pock, {now r of sofa). Now, if I can only manage to 
extract the others from Maudlin's pocket and put Sera- 
phina's in their place, all may yet be well. 

Sera, [thrustins^ her arm through the opening of the 
door R 2 e; holding two pieces of tape). Here they are, 
sir. 

Pock, [taking them). Well, my fair visitor will cer- 
tainly never own these. Stay! Maudlin said he recog- 
nized that maniac as Seraphina; I can persuade him it 
was she; she whom he met in the bus.; she who was here; 
she who was in the office this morning. I must detain 
her. 

(Seraphina appears d r 2 e; Pock takes the water- 
proof, which he still has round his tvaist, and gives it to her.) 
Here you are, Seraphina; a little present from Ramsgate; 
a little present from Margate; a little present from Broa^- ' 
stain. Go and try it on in there. 

Sera. Hedward, where har you? [Exit D R 2 E.) 

Pock, [shutting door r 2 e and locking it). She's safe. 
[Going toward r u e). Now, if I can only get them to ' 
believe. 

Enter Melchisedec l u e wildly. 

Mel. Where is she? [Facing Pock, and striking attjr ■ 
tude.) q 

PocK. [falls on chair agh'ast k) She! Who? 

Mel. She is true to me after all; she never pushed 
me off Margate pier. 

Pock. Impossible! It wasn't a piece of orange peel? 

Mel. No; but further investigation proves it was a . 
piece of banana peel. 

Pock. Very well, I apologize. [Rising.) 



63 

Mel. Monster! Where is my bride? 

Pock. Your pride? In your pocket, I should say, 
dashing about like this. 

Mel. I have just come from her home; she left it 
this morning to call on you, so says her ancient mother, 
in a blue- gray waterproof trimmed with red. 

Pock. Well, zvhy her ancient mother should fay it in 
a blue-gray waterproof trimmed with red — any more than 
in a — 

Mel. I have just seen Mrs. Griffin, who tells me she 
found you with a gray-blue waterproof — I mean with 
a woman in a blue-red waterproof, trimmed with — I 
mean blue — in your — here — 

Pock. Blew in my ear? 

Mel. {advancing threateningly on Pock., who retreats to 
'R corner.) Where is my bride? Give her to me, or as 
the thunderbolt dasheth from the angry heavens, and 
smasheth and teareth asunder the sturdy oak, so will I 
strike you to the earth. {Strikes terrific attitude.) 

Pock, {backing from r to l). My dear Melchisedec, 
pray be calm. 

Mel. {zvildly, still advancing on him). Calm! Bid the 
ocean, vexed to fury by the raging winds, be calm. 

Pock, (l corner). I shall do no such thing. 

Mel. {still advancing, more and more excited). Calm!! 
Bid the frenzied bull, goaded to madness by the matador, 
be calm. 

Pock. (c). I refuse to accede to your request. 

Mel. {still more excited). Calm!!! Bid the — 

Pock. You'll break a blood vessel in a minute. 

Mel. {still advancing on Pock.. 7vho retreats toward 
chaiy R.) Blood! aye blood. Think not that I shall sub- 
mit tamely to be robbed of my love; although you have 
estranged her heart from me, you shall not enjoy your 
sinful triumph. Ruffian! you shall die. 



64 

Pock, (sinking aghast on chair r). I refuse to die, 
Melchisedec. 

Mel. [standing over hint). And when I have hacked 
you h'mb from limb; when I have torn your false and 
coward heart from your perjured pocket, {Snatching 
Pocklington's handkerchief from his breast pocket) and 
presented it to her who has proved so faithless, then will 
I end my miserable life. {Turns from Pocklington7<? 
C and weeps in his handkerchief.) 

Pock, {rises cai/tioi/sly; snatches handkerchief). It 
would save me a good deal of anxiety if you'd end it 
noiv. 

Mel. {tearfully). Faithless Gertrude; why did I ever 
meet you? {Pathetically.) 

Woman is a penny dip — 
Woman is a pot of jam. 

{Turning suddenly on Pocklington.) But come, sir; 
what weapons do you choose, sir'? 

Pock, (r corner^ I don't chew any weapons, sir. 

Mel. But you shall, sir. {Going R u e.) I shall be 
back before, or to be precise, shortly ^//^r, you have said 
Jack Robinson. 

Pock, {following him up c.) But I have not the 
slightest intention of saying Jack Robinson. 

Mel. {at r u e.) And then one of us shall die. 

Pock. Well, let it be you. 

Mel. {wildly) Ha! ha!! Shakspearc!!! 

\^Exit Melchisedec rue very much excited. 

Pock. What can he mean? What can he mean? 
{Coming doivn c.) Of all the extraordinary beings that 
ever existed, surely I have gathered the most extraordi- 
nary around me. If ever I get over this day's anxieties — 
for I feel my brain is giving way — I shall retire to som^ 
gea-port town, where I can at any moment hire a boat- 



65 

man to row me miles out to sea, away from all my rela- 
tions, and — 

Enter Maudlin mysteriously L u E. 

Maud. Pocklin^ton, Pocklington; fly, fly. 

Pock, (r c.) I decline to fly. 

Maud, [aside.) Mrs. Griffin will have nothing to say 
to me until I have dragged the truth from his unwilling 
breast. I'll frighten him into a confession. 

Pock, {aside — producing tape garters.) I must change 
the garter at once. {Replaces them in his vest pocket.) 

Maud, {aside.) I must be awfully artful. 

Pock, {aside.) I must be devilish deep. 

Maud, {suddenly.) Justice is on your track. 

Pock., (c) Pooh! I repeat, Pooh!!! I may even go so 
far as to say Bosh.'!! Why what an idiot, what a hope- 
less and unaccountable idiot you were. Maudlin, to show 
that garter to Mrs. Griffin. {Aside.) I must get it from 
her at once. {Aloud.) I say Maudlin, dear old uncle 
Maudlin, where is the garter you picked up, eh? I should 
like, to see the garter you picked up, eh? {Bus. all 
through this speech, Maudlin looking 7vith his glasses in 
amazement at Pock's hair. Maudlin leading Pock, l c 
vivsteriously.) Pocklington, I will take you into my con- 
fidence: some months ago I was wandering, pondering 
down Piccadilly, in an omnibus — 

Pock. Ah! {Aside.) 'Twas he who gave twopence to 
the fearful female; I'll pump him! {Aloud.) On a Friday? 

Maud. Curiously enough, it was on a Friday. 

Pock, {aside.) Then my suspicions are confirmed. 
' He crosses behind Maudlin to l. 

Maud, {turns to speak to Pock, r, finds him gone; 
looks astonished; turns to l; sees him, and continues.) 
When a lady, on arriving at her destination — 

Pock. Suddenly discovered that she left her purse 
&t home, on the ebony and gold piano, 



S6 



Maud. Precisely; but how did you know? 

Pock. Merely a guess of mine — prodeed, proceed. 
Crosses behind Jiim to r. 

Maud. {Turns to speak to Pock, l; same bus.) I natur- 
ally offered to lend her the requisite twopence — 

Pock. And she, scarcely waiting to thank you, rushed 
away. 

Maud. Exactly; but how did you — ? 

Pock. Merely a guess of mine — proceed, proceed. 

Maud. Well, some days after this, I was again wan- 
dering, pondering down Piccadilly, in another omnibus — 

Pock, {^rapidly.) On another Friday, you again met 
the same interesting female; you were alone; ha! ha! I 
see — I mean I do?i't see; she offered to give you your 
twopence; you asked her for her favorite corn — I mean 
her hand; quite right, quite right; the only thing to do 
under the omnibus — I mean under the circumstances, 
and she stuck to your ancient but benevolent nose — I 
mean to say, she refused you. 

Maud, {amazed.) She certainly did; but on leaving 
the bus. I discovered that she had also left this\ {holding 
up a blue garter^ 

Pock, {starting}) Ah!!! 

Maud. Which I take to be one of those things that 
hold up her — 

Pock, {checkitig him.) Shocking. 

Maud. No, Stocking. I need scarcely say that I 
siezed on it as a clue, that would certainly lead, sooner 
or later, to her discovery; and since that day I have gone 
about with this garter exposed to view, in the hope that 
I might meet my enchantress, and that she would claim 
her property. 

Pock. Then that is why you have always worn that 
thing on your coat. 

Maud. Precisely. 



67 

Pock, {aside) And I thought him a tee-totaller; how 
I li;;ve wronged him; he's not so mad as I thought. 

Maud. Vainly have I watched the countenance of 
every passing fair; all have looked- at it with curiosity, 
but none have claimed it as their own. 

Pock. But would you not recognize her if you saw 
her? 

Maud. No; for I must tell you that she was so closely 
veiled that I could not see her features; but her figure — 
lier hand — her ankle — as she tripped out of the 'bus — 
[tripping gayiy into L corner}) 

Pock, [imitating him viechanically). Tripped out of the 
'bus? Did she hurt herself? 

Maud, [paying no attention,. I endeavored t(i get a 
glimpse of her features so closely veiled, without avail. 

Pock. How could they be veiled without a veil? 

Maud, [annoyed). Without success then. 

Pock. Then you have never discovered her? 

Maud. Stay! After you had removed the females, I 
may say, without exposing myself to an action for libel, 
the very mysterious and extraordinary female who was in 
your room this morning — 1 found this {^producing the other 
garter) on the floor. {Sits K of \. table.) 

Pock, {aside). Ha! then he has recognized her. 
{Aloud.) Ha! ha! Well? {Aside.) I must appear un- 
concerned, ffoiv tf) appear unconcerned. {Strikes ri- 
diculous attitude. Aloud.) Ha! ha! I repeat — Well? 

Maud, {aside). He is agitated. {Aloud.) JVell, as 
this garter fell from the — 

Pock, {checking him). Shocking! 

Maud. Stocking of your mysterious, and, I may say 
once more, extraordinary visitor. Since, you see, that it 
is precisely similar to the one that I found in the omni- 
bus, and, as the ankles of the female in the omnibus 
bear a great and unmistakable resemblance to the ankles 



68 



of the female' in your room, the inference is that tliey 
belong to one and the same person. Then arises the 
question — I repeat — then the question arises — tvhom do 
they belong to? 

Pock, i^who has been retreating backiuard to chair R, 
quite overxvhelmed i'y the force of Maud.'s argument, now. 
sinks aghast on the end of chair r. Aside?) The devil! 
How sharp he is! {Sudde/dy bintnding iip^j Stay! 1 
have it! {Brings chair from up r and places it R of 
Maud., rvho has risen to look at P(JCK. in wonder, 
Pock., standing behind chair he has brought doivti \,. 
Aloud.) No sooner does that question arise, than I 
knock it flat on its back. {Knocks Maud, into his chair 
l; sits beside him.) You admit that the two ankles of the 
female in the 'bus are equal to the two ankles of the fe- 
male in my room? 

Maud. I am sure of it. 

Pock. Very wfll. You also assert that the one garter 
is equal to the one garter? 

Maud. I am ])ositive about it. 

Pock. Very wtU again. Now ol)lige me by lending 
me your eye — I mean your ear. (Maud, places his hand 
ne}-vously on his eye, and then on his ear.) No! no! I'm 
not going to do a conjuring trick with it. I mean, give 
me your attention. If two females — have two ankleg of 
the one — equal to two ankles of the other — each to each 
— and one garter equal to one garter — then shall the 
other garters be equal each to each {bus.), and the third 
ankle of the one — equal to the third ankle of the other? 
(Bus.) Now, no one is so bold as to assert that any fe- 
male has three legs; therefore, no female can possibly 
have three ankles. Such a supposition would be utterly 
wild — idiotic — preposterous and absurd. Therefore, the 
whole thing is impossible. So you and your theorem fall 
to the ground. {He hits Maud, in the chest; he falls : off 



6g 

his chair; Pock, stands over hint) I tliink I may say, 
without fear of contradiction, that I have floored you. 

Maud, {rising amazed.) You certainly have. Still, 
that blue-gray waterproof, trimmed with red — I recog- 
nized that. 

Pock, {aside). Oh, the devil! {Aloud.) I may as 
well tell you. It was Seraphina you saw in my room this 
morning. 

Maud. But you don't mean to say that it was she 
whom I met in the 'bus? 

Pock. Yes, it was; 1 — I saw her get in. {Aside) I 
rnust lie; I must do it. He sha'n't meet that woman 
again if I have to kill him! {Seizing a chair and bran- 
dishing it about) 

Maud, {alarmed). Good gracious! What's the mat- 
ter, Pocklington? {Passing to R as if going to R u E.) 

Pock, {intercepting him). Nothing — nothing — only I 
hope you believe me — eh? If I thought that you 
doubted me — I — I — I — [about to strike him with chair.) 

Maud. Certainly; I believe you, Pocklington; though 
it is very strange that I didn't recognize her. But, then, 
what was she doing in your arms? 

Pock, {putting chair down l). Oh! I'll explain that to 
you some other time. In the meanwhile, you'd better 
let me take care of those garters. 

Maud. (r). No! no! I must produce them at your 
trial, Pocklington; for this matter must be sifted to the 
very bottom. [Goes up C; places garter in the tail pocket 
of his coat.) 

Pock, [following him up c takes garter out of Maud.'s 
pocket and replaces them by the tape ones) Ha! ha! Quite 
right, quite right, Uncle Maudlin! Ha! ha! Thirty 
days hath September, April, June, and November. 
{Holding up garters; aside, triumphantly) Safe at last! 



70 

Maud, {looking off r d.) Mrs. Grififin and all the wit- 
nesses will shortly arrive here. 

Pock, {jvho has placed garters in desk l c and locked it, 
putting key in his pocket; drags Maudlin dotvn c.) I say. 
Maudlin, Flighty will be here presently to look for. my 
blood; I do not intend that he shall find it; dismiss him 
at once; give him something — give him my kind regards. 

Maud. Surely you are not afraid of so preposterously 
l)ig-headed a person as Flighty? ^ 

Pock. No; but \\\o\ig\-\ pig-headed, he is brawny. 
Enter Melchisedec Flighty d r u e ivith several swords 

and pistols, a club, a brick, an orange; it must appear, 

in fact, that he has scoured the ivhole neighborhood for 

weapons; he is folloiaed by Mrs. Griffin <7//^/ Amelia. ■ 

Mel. (c throwing down weapons c). Now then, sir; 
choose your weapons!!! : 

Pock, (r corner^. I shall do no such thing. {He sud- 
denly sees an orange amongst weapons; seizes it and retreats 
a^ain to right corner; standing in an attitude of defence, 
ready to throw orange.) 

Mel. Behold the fruit of his errors. {Seizes club and 
is about to rush on Pocklington.) Come on. 

Mrs. Grif. (l of him, seizing his l arm). Stay! rash 
man. 

Amel. {k of him). Hold! insane being. 

Maud, (l corner). Madman, restrain yourself. 

Mel. Aged bloke, be still, or I will strike you o'er 
the mazard. 

Maud. Haven't got a mazard; and allow me to ex- 
claim — 

Mel. {violently). Peace, old man; / have a prior ex- 
claim, {pointing to Pock. r). Mark where he stands. 
Around his form I draw the awful circle; step but a foot 
within that holy ground, and on thy head, though it wore 
half a crown, I launch the curse of Rome. {He strikes 



71 

tremendous attitude; Pock, is i; raveling on the floor r cor- 
ner; Maud, l; Mrs. Grip, and Amel. turn their heads 
away from Mel. and extend their hands toward him in 
horror; PoCK. slowly rises and is endeavoring to sneak off 
R, when Mel. intercepts him. ) 

Mel. Come, let us make our wills. 

Pock. Our won'ts — I mean /won't. 

Mel. You must. {Goes to desk up l and tries to open it. 

Pock. Let us wait till to-morrow, {following him 
up c.) 

Mel. For one of us to-morrow sb.all never come. 

Pock. Well then, let us wait till the day after to- 
morrow. 

Mel. No! no time like the present. [Bursts desk 
open.) 

Pock, {aside). Ah! the garters. {Rushes to desk and 
endeavors to get the garters; struggle; he is thrown off; 
falls on chair r; rises and goes l corner}) 

Mel. {holding up garters in triumph). Ha! Gertie's 
garters!!! {Coming doT.vn c.) The pledge, the pledge of 
her forgivness. {Fiercly) Where is she? {To Pock.) 
Where is she? {rushes at him furiously, when Pockling- 
TON mechanically places the orange in his hand, Melchi- 
SEDEc's furious tnanner changes at once to one of great 
sorrow ; sadly contemplating orange.) Alas poor Y'orange — 
I mean Yorick; {again furious; faking Pock, ly the 
throat.) but where is she? 

Pock. I don't know who she is; but I think I am 
justified in saying that she must be someivhere. 
Enter Gertie through window c. 

Gert. Where's my manuscript? 

Pock. Ah! here she is again! {rushes to Gertie and 
giving her the manuscript; tries to put her out at window.) 

Gert. Where's my manuscript? 

Mel. Her voice. {Throws Pock, aside to r.) 



72 

Gert. Where's my man — 

Mel. [kneeling at her feet). Here is your man. 

Gerj". Melchisedec, my love. {Goes R corner.) 

Pock, {bounds tip from chair where he had fallen and 
crosses toward l, saying Joy/ itlly.) Her lo7'e ; ah.' all may 
yet be well. (Mel. turning, embraces him, mistaking him 
for Gert.; then thrusts him away; he is now between Mel. 
and Gekv.; to Mel. l.) Beg her pardon. 

Mel. Gertrude, have I your forgiveness? 

Pock, {aside to G\lkt:. v.). Forgive him; I'll i)ublish 
your novel. 

Gert. {to Mel.) I forgive you. 

Pock, {aside to Mel). Make her your wife; I — I'll 
leave you something in my will. 

Mel. She is my wife. 

Pock. ~) 

Mrs. Grif. I u- •/- , 

Amel. ^H,s «.;/../ 

Maud. J 

Pock, {aside). His wife! Then all my anxiety to 
keep her away from Maudlin has been without cause. 

Mrs. Grip, {aside to Maud). His wife! It could not 
have been she' A wife would naturally embrace no one 
but her husband. {Then aloud.) Then what was Sera- 
phina doing there? 

Maud. ) 

Amel. ]■ Yes! What was Seraphina doing there? 

Mel. ) 

Pock, {^unlocking D R 2 e). She shall tell you herself. 
Enter Sera, r 2 e. She holds the wateiproof cloak on 

her at m, but keeps it behind her. 
What were you doing there, Seraphina? 

Sera. I came to ask Mr. Pocklington to get Mr. 
Maudlin to forgive me for taking his penholder. 

Mrs. Grif. But that diabolical plot about eating me! 

Amel. Yes — and smashing my head in with a boot! 



73 

Maud. Yeil We cant swallow that! 
Pock. What — the boot? 
Maud. No; the diabolical plot. 

Pock, {leading them down c; aside). A little romance 
of Seraphina's, my dears. She wants me to publish it. 
Don't mention it to her. She fell on her nose when she 
was a baby. She's rather sore on the point. 
Maud. The point of her nose? 
Pock. No! the subject of this romance. 
Maud. Ha! ha!. But stay; I have a clue. {He takes 
the pieces of tape from his tail pocket, and, without looking 
at them, holds them up at arms' length.) Whose are these? 
Pock. ( placing his hands before them). Ah! 
Sera, {seizing them). Mine! {Returns c.) 
Maud, {staggered). But the waterproof. 
Mf.i.. {to Gert. l corner). Yes; if it was wol your bUie- 
gray waterproof trimmed wiih red that was in Pocklin<5- 
ton's arms this morning, whose was it? 

Mrs. Grif. ) 

Amel. \ Yes. Whose was it? 

Maud. ) 

Pock. It was Seraphina's. 

Mrs. Grif. But what //v^^"/ have you that it was she? 

Maud. 1 

^*^^- I Yes. What proof i 

Amel. 

Mrs. Grif. J 

Pock, {bewildered). What proof! {Suddenly seizing 

ivaterproof from Sera.'s arm and holding it up in triumph,) 

Waterproof! ! ! 

Mrs. Griffin and Maudlin embrace l corner, Gertie 
and Melchisedec embrace R corner, Pocklington and 
Amelia embrace c, and Seraphina, having no one to 
embrace, snatches back the waterproof, and embraces that 
as the curtain falls. 

End. 



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